Page 14 of I Was Always Yours (RCA: Royal Crown Academy)

“I want to play,” He insists, “Tell me.”

“Fine,” I say, giving in, “Basically, you start off by saying “je t’aime”, or ‘I love you’ in English, and grabbing one of the petals.” I grab a tiny petal between my thumb and index, mimicking it for him, “Then you pluck them one by one and every time you pick one off, you have to say “un peu”, “beaucoup”, “passionnément”, “à la folie”, or “pas du tout”. You go around repeating reciting them in that same order for every petal you pluck until you run out. Whatever line corresponds with that last petal is how little or how much you love that other person.” I say, before clearing my throat.

I want to disappear into the ground, I’m that embarrassed to be talking about love with him.

Can he not see how much I like him? Am I not giving myself away every second I talk about this game with him?

Somehow, apparently not.

“What do they all mean?” He asks.

“It means ‘I love you’, like I said, and the options are ‘a little’, ‘a lot’, 'passionately’, ‘madly’, or ‘not at all’.”

He tips his chin at the daisy. “Come on, do it for me then.”

“Why?”

He shrugs. “I’m bored,” He answers, but his eyes haven’t left the flower in my hands.

“Okay,” I say, picking a random petal and starting there, “Je t’aime… un peu—”

He cuts me off with a hand on my forearm before I can pluck the first petal. “In English, so I can understand,” He commands, already domineering at his age.

“I love you a little… a lot…passionately—”

“What are you guys doing?”

I jump, slightly startled, when Astor speaks from my right. Somehow, I was so focused on what I was doing that I missed his arrival.

“Playing a game,” I tell him and when I explain the rules, he sits down next to us and watches me.

“Go on, I’m next!” He enthuses.

“Where was I?” I ask semi-rhetorically, the two interruptions having played havoc on my already frazzled brain.

“Passionately,” Phoenix points out carefully, “Madly’s next.”

“Right. Madly…not at all…I love you a little…a lot…,” I pick back up, reciting the words over and over until I get down to the last few petals.

My heart sinks like a lead balloon right to the bottom of my stomach when I realize what’s about to happen. “Passionately…madly…not at all.” I finish, picking the last petal and holding it between my fingers.

I laugh uncomfortably but I don’t dare look up at Phoenix’s face.

“Oof, that sucks Phoenix. Guess Sixtine doesn’t love you even a little bit. My turn now!” Astor says, clapping his hands and grinning happily.

“Let’s play another game,” I say, because the odds are four to one that I’ll land on a better outcome for Astor, and something tells me Phoenix won’t like that all.

“Do it.” Phoenix demands, jumping in.

“Nix…” I start, but I’m not sure what else to say.

“Come on. I want to play, and I want to know how much you love me,” Astor says in that voice he uses to charm people.

“Okay, okay, put the dimples away,” I tell him, putting my hand up to hide his face.

He chuckles and plucks a flower, handing it to me.

I start removing the petals one at a time, repeating the same motion and line recital from our first game. When I get down to the last ten or so petals, I instinctively know the outcome without needing to count.

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