Page 36 of Nothing Ever Happens Here

“It’s a pyramid scheme,” I say, matter-of-factly.

“Well, I know that now, don’t I, Florence?” He stomps over to the kitchenette where he pulls the tuna hotdish from the small oven and scoops himself a large bowl before returning to his chair with a pout.

“Well, listen,” I say. “I don’t think we’re talking about small, transient things like Evan and half the class of ’94 going in on a pizza place twenty-five years ago for a summer…or a pyramid scheme,” I look to Herb shoveling hotdish into his mouth.“Who has real skin in the game—who lost something?” I think about how Leo always was a sucker for a get rich quick scheme—and it worked out for him…until it didn’t. Now it’s so much clearer, and I can see why that propensity turned into gambling when COVID hit and things started a downward turn and snowballed.

“Evan says he played pizza entrepreneur for a couple months way back when, and we all know how many other guys he tried to rope in before it all crumbled and didn’t work out, but eventually…he did well,” Herb says. “Everyone thought he was an arrogant nut, but he made a ton of money in the end. Otis was the only long-term partner besides that drunk guy that’s always at the Trout, what’s his name?”

“Miles,” Bernie says. “Poor soul.”

“Otis is a generation older than Leo’s school friends—he’s not one of the school friends he tried to use to turn a buck,” Mort adds. “Not a kid he paid in free beer and a pipe dream. Otis actually stayed and built up the business with him until Otis and his wife sold their half to Leo so they could retire and buy some campground on Lake Superior or wherever.”

“No bad blood,” Herb says. “So we’re back to where we started. Super. This is going nowhere. You want this episode to suck, Mort? We got nothin’. You know what we should do?”

“Oh God,” Millie mutters.

“We oughta get Riley to let us interview him.”

“For what?” Mort asks.

“He said he had three calls from random people just this week saying they thought they spotted Leo, and then Shelby told him it was probably because of our podcast.”

“Told you we should have a tip line—they’d be calling us instead,” I add. Herb ignores me and keeps on.

“Well, you saw Riley’s look when she explained how popular the podcast was. That guy will do anything for attention.He’d be all sweaty pits and stutters if he thought he was important enough to be interviewed for a viral show.” Herb cracks a Bud Light from the minifridge, takes a sip and then crosses his arms across his chest as if to say he’s now open to our response.

“I think you’re tooting our horn a bit hard, Herb,” I say.

“Hedoesalways seem to have a lot to prove,” Mort says thoughtfully.

“You know,” Evan swirls his wheely chair around and turns away from the computer. “I might be able to get some inside info—off the record, really see if they know anything. I mean, one cop to another. Former cop, but still…”

“Yeah,” Herb says, excitedly. “He always shakes Evan’s hand all firm and respectful and calls him ‘officer’ and ignores the rest of us. If anyone can gather intel, it’s probably Evan.”

“I didn’t get to give him his special gift,” Millie says out of nowhere.

“So?” Herb says,

“So I got the good yarn at Threaded Treasures. It’s Danish. So, yourself!”

“What’s the point, Millie?”

“The point is that I’m going too. Evan’s new here, why does he get to have all the fun? I say we all go.”

“I also think we should all go. ItiscalledMort’sLiterary Musings,” Mort says.

“How could we forget.” Herb shakes his head and sips his beer.

“I think we all have to go too,” Evan says. “We gotta make him feel important. Bring the recording equipment, make a whole thing of it.”

“We don’t even know if he’ll agree to it, so we’re getting ahead of ourselves,” I say.

“If Evan asks him, he’ll agree. He respects him. Thinks it’s a badge of honor that he got part of the side of his head blown off in the line of duty,” Herb says.“Sorry,” he adds, looking to Evan. “Chicks like scars and shit. It’s cool, if you ask me.”

Christ, I think. Herb just assumes Evan also thinks his injuries are a badge of honor and a chick magnet, but he is so indiscreet and baboon-like that he really doesn’t know if it’s a painful topic still or not…and good luck shutting him up before he puts his foot in his mouth.

Poor Evan doesn’t even have a whole ear anymore on his left side and has significant eye damage, but he always wears a cap, so you can’t really see the full impact. You forget after a while and get used to it. I quickly change the subject before Herb embarrasses us all more than usual.

“Evan, youshouldbe the one to call and ask him, I think. It’s our best shot.” Everyone nods in agreement, and Herb scrolls through his phone for Riley’s number and mumbles something about having saved it for fifteen years and so he hopes it’s still the same number. And it is, and then he puts it on speaker mode and lets it ring and it’s all very dramatic as we hover around Herb’s phone shushing one another when he answers. Herb gives Evan a dramatic gesture to start speaking, and Evan appears put on the spot.

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