Page 27 of Nothing Ever Happens Here

The drive to the hospital is solemn until Millie decides to use it as an opportunity to get to know Evan a little bit more because she wants to set him up with her daughter, Faye, which I think is a dreadful idea for many reasons, not the least of which is that she has a terribly uneven temper and was once arrested for punching in the drive-through window at a Wendy’s when they ran out of breakfast Baconators. But in all fairness, that could just be a rumor.

“What’s going on with your hair?” Herb asks, his attempt at an icebreaker. Evan touches the side of his head where it’s newly shaved on one side but long and floppy on the top.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“It’s all smashed to one side.”

“Yeah,” Evan agrees with a chuckle.

“It’s neat,” Herb says. “I was a barber in the navy.”

“Oh yeah?” In the rearview mirror, I can see Evan smile, taking interest.

“My father was a barber too…till the Japs blew off his head.”

“Oh… I’m…sorry,” Evan says, looking horrified.

“Not your fault,” Herb says, biting the head off of his Keebler elf cookie and handing the package around to share. “Anyway…it was pretty much all the same haircut. Bzzzz. Nothing cool like that.”

“I can do yours like this if you want. I cut mine myself.”

Herb beams from ear to ear and then Millie takes her turn to chat up Evan but from the back seat of the van, so she’s practically shouting.

“Ya got a girlfriend, Ev? A buncha bastard kids running around somewhere or anything like that?”

“Millie,” I snap.

“What?” she takes the cookies from Herb, and Evan responds before I can interject.

“Fair question, Millie. No to both. I was engaged for a couple of years, and then after my accident happened, she took a job in Toronto. We tried the long distance thing, but it was tough and she met someone else…”

“Kind of a late bloomer, what are ya, forties, and you were just engaged the last few years?”

“Yep, same age as Shelby. We almost went to prom together, but don’t tell Clay that,” he says with a smirk.

“I could see that,” I say.

“Why?” Millie asks. “Shelby doesn’t like cops?”

“Because they’re both nice, I meant, and Shelby doesn’t not like cops, she doesn’t like Riley because his head is full of beef tips,” I say.

“Chipped beef,” Herb corrects.

“That’s just because she broke his heart,” Bernie says, and I resist the urge to turn around to look at him, because it’s not often he pipes in, and I don’t know how in the world he knew that.

“God, did she date the whole town?” Millie asks. “You know someone who’s not a tramp? My daughter, Faye. Do you know my birth canal was narrow, and having her almost killed me?”

“We all know that,” Mort says, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

“She looked like a sea creature, and I had to get her a special helmet for her long head.”

“Okay, Millie. Thank you,” Herb says.

“I’m just saying. She’s a good girl, been through a lot.”

“You’re not exactly selling her, are you?” Herb says, abruptly changing the subject. “So that’s what happened to your face huh? That accident. Heard you got shot. Thank you for your service by the way.” He does some weird salute and I can’t help but look at the ceiling and shake my head at this conversation. He shouldn’t be asking about someone’s deformed eye.

“Thank you foryourservice, Herb,” Evan says back. “Yep, I sure did. But I got through it. I mean I can’t see out of an eye of course…and there’s some hearing loss and dizzy spells—can’t serve on the force anymore. I’m sure you saw your share of things like that in the service,” he says, kindly obliging Herb.

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