Page 82 of Anchor

“Feels like…like…finally,” I whispered. “That’s what if feels like—finally.”

He pulled me tighter against his chest and whispered in my ear, “Finally.”

A tear or two slid down my cheeks. I turned my head just slightly so I could hear his breath against my ear. “I don’t suppose you’re going to kill me now? Or hand me to your brothers?”

He paused, didn’t breathe or move for a good second. “Why would I do that?”

Those damn tears. “Because I still betrayed you. I still put you in prison.” Why were those words so hard to say? And thank goddess for the night and the dark and the stars, because I wouldn’t have been able to spit them out on my own without their help.

Taland was silent for a long time. Simply held onto me and kissed my head every now and again.

“How did it happen?” he finally said. “Why did you do it?”

Every organ inside me squeezed and quivered.Run, run, run,said my instincts, because I didn’t want to be talking about this or thinking about this at all.

I stayed put.

“I was…I was sent to that school to spy on you. Follow you. Find out who you work for and what you want to steal.Whenyou want to steal it.” A miracle my tongue didn’t tie. “We met before I even knew it was you, but I don’t think it would have made a difference.” It wouldn’t have—no matter in what scenario I met him, whether I knew his face or not, I would have fallen for him—within an hour and a minute,just like Poppy always said.

“And?” Taland said when I struggled to pick my next words and took too long.

He hadn’t moved, hadn’t stopped holding me, kissing me. He gave me life.

“And I did. I spied on you. I reported back every month. I told them that you weren’t the guy they were looking for because I believed it. I never once suspected anything. I really thought it wasn’t you.” I looked at the stars and they winked at me as if to say,go on. You’re doing great.I chose to believe them. “Until that night. Until the Feast of Hope. I-I-I followed you…”Goddess, why is this so damn hard?

“I followed you to the Strongroom and agents were following me. I tried to tell you we were there, but they had some sort of a ward about them that extended to me, too, so you couldn’t hear me. And…and I knew what would happen if you went in. So, I didn’t let you. I…I just closed that door and I grabbed that candleholder and I hit you. There was no time to explain—I just hit you.” And no matter how many times I wished I could have done it differently, how many times I thought about what I could have done instead, nothing would have worked. We couldn’t have run away even if I had warned Taland. We couldn’t fight, we couldn’t do anything at all—the agents had been right there.

“You never told me that,” said Taland, and I could have sworn he wasn’t even surprised. I expected him to at least have questions or tell me I was lying—or anything else except this. “Why, sweetness? Why didn’t you tell me?”

I shook my head. “Would it have mattered?” Because it wouldn’t have changed anything at all.

“Of course, it would’ve mattered. It still does. It always will,” he whispered, and I died a little inside.

“You wouldn’t have believed me. I don’t even blame you, but you wouldn’t have believed me—why would you? I lied about my name, about where I came from, and I-I-I remember your facewhen that agent called me by my name. I remember.” And now I was shaking, too, but Taland held me so tightly against his chest that I almost couldn’t tell.

“You should have told me, baby. You should have told me,” he kept whispering and I was such a mess.

“I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“B-b-because! When could I have told you, Taland? When I came to the Blue House, you…you…” He already hated me with his whole being then. He already despised me, and maybe I had secretly hoped that he didn’t when I went there, but then I woke up and I was chained to that chair and his brothers were torturing me and he was smiling.

Goddess, it killed me all over again, that memory. It ruined me.

“My brothers,” he whispered. “They’re too powerful. I couldn’t have stopped them—I had no reason. I didn’t know…I didn’t…” I could have sworn he was crying, too. His voice was shaking, but when I blinked the tears away and looked up at his face, none were in his eyes. He looked like he was being torn apart same as me, but no tears wet his cheeks. “I didn’t know that you saved me instead. If I did, if I did, if only I knew…”

Kisses all over my temple and cheek and head.

“I don’t blame you.” I said it more for my benefit than his. “But you smiled.” AndthatI still hadn’t gotten over. “I know I have no right to?—”

“You have every right,” he told me. “And youshouldblame me, sweetness. Simply because I should have known.”

“You couldn’t have.” There was no way he could know—I got that. I understood that.

“I knewyou,” he whispered, and my eyes closed and all those tears slid down, happy to be relieved of me. “And I smiledbecause my brothers needed to see me smiling. I smiled because then I couldn’t justify killing them to myself?—”

My heart jumped. “Goddess, Taland—don’t say that!”

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