Page 115 of Tricky Girls

‘No thanks, we ate earlier.’

‘Alright. Tonnes of Christmas food about. Get yourselves tucked in.’ She nods at me with a smile. ‘Nice to meet you, Tilda. Thanks for being there for our Elly.’

Arms ladened with Pringles, shortbread and our cases, we sludge through the garden to the tiny shed in the corner. It was a fight to get Beau not to follow us. I can still see him bouncing at the window.

‘It’s gonna be freezing,’ Elly says, kicking open the door, ‘but there’s a heater and an electric blanket. I’ll get them on.’

I dump my suitcase with hers, peering round the tiny place. ‘This is so cute. Proper little den.’

‘Yeah.’ She pulls back the quilt and lays down the electric blanket. ‘Don’t worry, the sheets are all washed.’

She toggles the blinds then flips the lid of her suitcase. ‘Mind if I strip?’

‘Not if you don’t mind me watching. Well, not watching, but you know—just being here. Not really anywhere I can escape to.’

Elly smiles wickedly, yanking down her trousers. ‘Watch away, babe.’

The space heats quickly but we ruin it by opening the door so we can spit out toothpaste as we brush. Neither of us fancied riling up the dogs again.

‘If you need to pee in the night, just wake me up and I’ll take you.’

‘Sorry, don’t really like people watching.’

Elly rolls her eyes. ‘I won’twatch.Not unless you invite me to.’

She lets me lie down first so I get the wall, telling me I look like the wall type. She’s not wrong, even if she won’t elaborate on why she thinks that. With the electric blanket on, it’s like getting into a bath. I moan as my body shudders. ‘Cosy.’

‘Will be with the two of us in here. It’s not exactly a queen size.’

Something I find I don’t mind.

Once we’re settled side by side, our shoulders brushing, Elly falls quiet and I know she’s got her mum on her mind.

‘You okay? Dumb question, I know.’

‘Yeah, just…wish I knew why she keeps doing it. I know she’s mentally ill. I know that’s why. But it’s just so hard. She doesn’t act ill, apart from the whole trying to kill herself thing. Like, literally, if you met her you couldn’t tell she’s got all that going on. My brain keeps telling me she’s just being selfish but I know that’s not true. I know she’s actually sick but it’s always a shock when she does something like this.’ She shakes her head with a sigh. ‘It’s like a flip switches and she just goes into these suicidalrages. I mean, there’s always a trigger, but it’s usually something tiny.’

‘What was the trigger this time?’

‘Fuck knows. Just an accumulation of everything, I think. And yet I find myself angry that she did itnow. Just before Christmas. I don’t care about me, but the kids… If she had to do it, why couldn’t she just wait?’

‘I’m sure everything you’re feeling’s super valid.’

‘Yeah?’ Elly smiles at me in the meagre light. ‘Gonna therapise me, Dr Tilda?’

I chuckle. ‘Sorry. That sounded really super standard and useless.’

‘No, you’re good.’ She studies me for a moment before turning away when she tears up again. Groaning, she rubs her eyes.‘Fuck.’

I reach out tentatively, putting my hand on her arm, feeling relieved when she entwines our fingers.

‘Can I big spoon you?’ I offer.

‘Be any sized spoon you like, babe.’

She rolls over, pulling my arm with her so it’s around her body. She’s as warm as the blanket, her back broad and crazy comfortable to lie against.

I try dozing off but each time I open my eyes, it’s to the light of Elly’s phone screen.

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