Page 154 of Haunt Me

It means that he called me ‘pet’ and I felt like one

And didn’t mind—didn’t know I should.

Do you want to know what being a survivor means?

It means that I had to hide in books, hide inside my head and

Stick my fingers in my ears when he was yelling all my sins and

Still I couldn’t escape him, his voice, his thoughts drilled in me and

Now I can’t read the same books or look at my old notebooks or at

The trees I loved without hearing his voice in my head

Telling me I am the wrongest thing that ever was and

I’m not crying as I write this even though I should be

But I am still numb I can’t believe I’m free

Maybe because I’m not and will never be.

You ask me how did I survive and I

Want to tell you that there were days I did not survive

I’m still living in them, I’m still stuck there I will never get out

But you can’t handle it, can you?

You have no idea what you are asking me and how could you so

I lie and say: ‘Someone loved me’.

That’s how I survived.

And it’s true, he did, except

I did not survive him either.

And I think I don’t deserve to

Have sisters

Love them

Have a father

Love him

Have the sad boy

Love him

Not forget him

Not disappear

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