Page 28 of Haunt Me

I lift her in my arms as I kneel there in the dark, and I bring her chest to my ear. I don’t know if it’s the adrenaline or if she really weighs that little, but she moves like a doll in my arms. I hear nothing. I lay her down carefully, without bothering to take off my jacket to drape it over her. It might have been a smart move, but I don’t have time. Because when I press my finger to her pulse, it’s not moving. She is not breathing.

Both my brother and I are trained in CPR, which is why James administered it to our dad. He just couldn’t believe it when it wasn’t successful. The look on his face when the paramedics came still haunts me; pure disbelief. What are the odds of a fourteen-year-old kid knowing how to do that and having the presence of mind to perform it perfectly? Still, even with those odds, our dad didn’t make it.

I can’t do this. I can’t watch her die. I just can’t.

You can’t do this, it’s true, a voice says inside my head.You can’t do anything right. You’re useless and sad. But she needs you right now, so you’d better get a hold of yourself and be the person she needs right now. You can do this one thing.

This one thing.

Do it.

It takes everything within me not to fall apart right now, right here.

It takes everything inside me not to go back to that concert hall where I lost my dad and lose what’s left of my mind.

This is not like that, I tell myself fiercely, as I turn Eden carefully on her back, and start working on her chest. I do the compressions, counting quietly, careful not to crush her, because her bones feel fragile like a bird’s under my splayed hands.One, two, three, four… Twelve, thirteen…

I work on her diligently, thankful for all these miserable hours working out in the school’s gym when I can’t sleep at night, because now my arms have the strength to keep on pumping as I count in my head.

I concentrate on the task, emptying my mind of all other thoughts.

Still, they come.

Dad.

James.

How scared my brother must have been.

My mom’s face when they told her.

The endless emptiness afterwards, in my heart.

No, focus.

“No! This is not like that!” I gasp as I keep pumping.

And then, Eden coughs and moans, pushing my hands away. I literally fall flat on my back on the ground, next to her, gasping for breath.

“What the heck are you doing?” Eden gasps, then she coughs again, as if it’s hard to breathe.

I rise to my knees and my arms go around her back as I help her to sit up. Her eyes are wide and scared, and her chest is moving erratically, like a frightened, wounded animal’s. My heart breaks.

“You fainted,” I tell her so that I won’t scare her. “I found you—you’re ok now.”

I rub her back until she can breathe normally again.

Except she can’t. Twice she starts to say something, but she hasn’t got enough breath to continue. She starts drooping, as if she’s about to pass out again.

“All right. Ok.”

I place a hand on Eden’s back and another beneath her knees and stand up with her in my arms. She just moans instead of telling me to stop being an idiot, and that makes me panic so much it’s hard not to run all the way back to school.

But I don’t run. I can’t risk falling and dropping her or injuring her. So I walk carefully through the dark forest with Eden curled into my chest, a little ball of shaking fear, struggling for air, so light I can carry her with one arm wrapped around her twisted body, and the other reaching out for obstacles in the dark.

I bring her to my dorm room.

We don’t meet anyone on the way, but even if we had, it would have made no difference. I dare anyone to try and stop me. I’ll beat them to a pulp, no hesitation.

---