Page 229 of Haunt Me

“I love you too.”

We hung up and I bury my head in my hands and cry. I’ve lost the last good thing I had. I’ve lost the last thing keeping me together. I’m all alone now, truly alone.

I have never felt the way Theo feels all the time, like there is nothing but despair in the universe for me. But right now, I knowwhat it’s like to lose the last bit of hope you were clinging to. It’s utter despair now.

Utter darkness.

Just me and Saint Hope.

…

At the first show after the release, I performPierce Me, and then I ask:

“Do you want me to sing moreIsaiahsongs? Nah, it’s too early for anyone to be able to sing along with me, isn’t it?”

They scream “Nooo!” so loudly I think they’ll bring the roof down.

So I singEnough LoveandCoal, and then I sing the new lyrics toBoyfriendfromHeartmender.

And they sing every single word with me. I am amazed. I just stand there, mouth agape, and listen to them sing, an entire stadium of people. Sing my new songs back to me without missing a beat.

“I am speechless,” I tell them at the end, and they laugh collectively, because they could tell by the way I stopped singing, jaw on the floor, and just stared. “I will never forget what happened tonight here. It will live forever, right here.” I tap my heart, and they mimic me.

A whole stadium of people, tapping their hearts with me—that’s a connection on a whole different level.She would love this, I think, and my chest goes hollow so quickly, I stumble. Then I perform the last song Eden and I wrote together: HerWhat Ifpoem that I added a verse to, and then scrambled to add to the album at the eleventh hour. How fitting right now.

I get the applause and they think

I like the applause as if

As if it could ever replace seeing your face

Somewhere in the crowd.

As if the applause will ever make up

For the fact that you’re not here.

They will write in their posts tomorrow that I was crying because I was so happy and emotional by their response. And I am, I am both of those things. But this huge wave of love from these people who know me intimately, while I know nothing aboutthem… It can never make up for the fact that the one person who is the reason I exist isn’t here.

As if this amazing night could ever make up for that fact.

I close my eyes, concentrate. I decide to be here for these people; to be here fully for them, with them. In spite of the pain. I make a decision to serve them with my songs, to give a voice to their sorrow and their joy, to keep burning my tongue with the coal of truth, just in case someone in the stadium needs to hear it tonight. Needs to feel it in my songs. Needs to feel seen, less alone. Less broken.

This is why I am here. This is why I sing.

Please help me. Please, I think. No, I don’t think it. I pray it.

In my weakest moment, when I think I can’t go on any longer, when I feel so empty I have got nothing more to give, this is what I discover inside me: I finally have faith.

I finally have enough faith to ask for help.

And the minute I ask for it, help is there. My broken heart doesn’t get magically glued together, but something like a burst of strength fills me and I am able to do what I have been called to do. The coal that has been burning my lips since this past June turns into a fire that keeps me alive.

So, broken heart and all, I sing.

The Heartbreakers Forum

IssyWOO4life: Here is a breakdown of the newIsaiahalbum track list, along with a short explanation of what each song is about. The explanations are my own. You’re welcome.

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