Page 194 of Haunt Me

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Back downstairs, we sit around digesting that seven-course breakfast, and waiting for the rest of our friends to arrive so we can make plans for the day. I pick up my violin and make up music, hoping to make Eden fall so hopelessly in love with me that shewon’t think of any more reasons not to date me. If she does, she doesn’t show it.

Then Mom calls me, and I go to a quiet room to take the call. Her hands are getting worse, she tells me calmly, and my chest constricts. So, she has booked less concerts, but she is working almost every other day now that it’s the holiday season.

“What can I do?” I ask her.

“Talk to me,” she replies. “How are things with you?”

I tell her everything, and she listens. She loves the idea of me revealing my real name. Of me not hiding anymore.

“Will you feel comfortable with all the press exposure that would follow an album release?” she asks me, and I pause. The one-million-dollar question. How to do one without the other. Because, honestly, I do not plan on talking to the press. Ever.

“Not really,” I admit to my mom.

“Zay,” she says, and her sweet, calm voice an anchor amid the chaos in my heart, “I don’t mind the fact that my career is ending prematurely. If I was well, I could have gone on to play twenty, even fifty more years, who knows? But I feel fulfilled, even if I have to stop tomorrow—and I might have to,” she laughs. I don’t. “I am truly ok with that. I am not just saying it so you won’t worry. Do you know why I’m ok?”

“Why?”

“Because I have accomplished everything I ever wanted to do or dreamed of doing. Beyond any dreams, really. I got to accompany your dad’s singing, I got to travel the world, I got to play in my favorite places in the world. I got to share this precious gift with him. And I did it on my own terms. I am not angry that I have to stop, because I have loved every step of the way: I am happy.”

I close my eyes to better concentrate on her voice.She means it, I realize. She truly is happy and at peace, even though she has had so many horrible things happen to her. One after another. One more is happening to her as we speak—her hands. How absurdly unfair life is.

“That’s all I want for you, too, honey,” Mom says, and she honestly doesn’t sound bitter at all. Unlike me. “To be true to yourself, to what you want. To just… love it.”

After we hang up, I call James.

He is working his ass off at his music academy in Paris—no holidays for him either. Christmas is the busiest season for musicians. James sounds relieved to hear that I am at Eden’s house.Who is worrying about whom in this family?Ishould be worrying abouthim.

I am the eldest son, after all, but whatever. We make plans to spend New Year’s Eve in Paris, the three of us: Mom, James and me. I decide I’ll let them have an earful about worrying about me then.

Once I’m done with James, I call Skye.

“Merry Christmas,” he says cheerfully. He has flown back to California for the holidays.

Outside my window, the snow is turning into rain. The sky is miserable, the color of lead, and everything looks icy-white and blue. But for once, I don’t miss California.

“I need time,” I tell him. “I need to make some decisions about the new album and my new name. I need to stay true to what I want, no matter what the label wants.”

“I’m listening,” Skye says.

We spend the next half hour just talking over every problem that might come up, and trying to brainstorm possible solutions. At some point, Eden bursts into the room, in a hurry to grab something, and the minute she sees me there, talking on the phone, she goes red. She turns on her heel and leaves.

“I’m going to have to call you back, Skye.” I hung up on him, running after Eden.

“Hey!” I stop her just before she turns left into the living room where everyone else is hanging out.

“Hey,” she replies, going all shy on me.

My body tightens in response.Not now, body. Behave yourself.

“Did you need something?” I ask her. “Or just my attention?”

“I didn’t know you were in ther—”

“Because you have it.”

“Yeah,” she smiles and I melt. “You said that before.”

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