I tried to lose myself almost every evening on the way back
So I could have a good excuse
Not to get back into that house
But I always found my way home
‘Home’, well. It was the only thing I knew
Might as well have been the gate of Hades
Might as well have been a cell.
After I had lost everything,
I tried to lose the memory of you as well,
I thought, how hard can it be?
And then, you began to sing.
Want to talk about piercing hearts?
Want to talk about how it feels to have your heart pierced?
It feels like seeing you kiss girls for years
Girls who weren’t me
Girls who haven’t set foot in a forest
Girls who never stared a monster in the eye
Girls who never snuck out to meet you in our woods
Instead of losing myself, I lost you
But no, I’m lying again, I never did.
Turns out you can’t lose something
You never had.
I tried getting myself lost
I fought against getting myself lost
I desired getting myself lost
I failed at getting myself lost
Turns out I couldn’t lose something
I had already lost.
thirty-one
Mom and James leave early to catch their own flights.