In a long time
So I felt it more until I felt less.
I replay the day in my head
Like footage from a documentary
(I still haven’t watched the one on TV
Just the one in my head, you know,
The real one)
And it’s always as if it’s happening to somebody else
The lies, the betrayal, the shouting
The starving, the bullying, the sinning
The shot that rang out in the air
And then I was free
And then I didn’t know what to do
I hadn’t been taught anything else to do except to
Become smaller and smaller.
Maybe this was the final test you would ever give me
Maybe I had to prove I had learned everything you had ever taught me
Maybe I had to show I knew how to become
Smaller and smaller
So smaller and smaller I became
(Even though you weren’t there anymore to make me
But I had learned my lesson well
After all these years)
And smaller and smaller
Until I was no longer there.
I am sad that my little nephew will never meet
The girl I was supposed to have become.
I am sad that the version of me the singer boy got
Was the haunted one, the ghost.
I am sad that every single person who meets me from now on