Page 119 of Haunt Me

“So you are telling me,” I single him out, shower him with my rage, “that there isn’t asingleassholebetween you.”

Jude finally steps up to me. The other two—cowards—take a step back as if I am about to explode. Idiots. I already have exploded.

“Don’t you see?” Jude hisses at me. “Can’t you get it through your thick skull? You not knowing about her… It is incredible. It is impossible. It is a miracle. You have been granted a miracle.” He shakes his head, as if he’s astounded at my stupidity. “This was… Isaiah, ithadto happen this way. Youhadto be completely oblivious, otherwise she would never know if it was real. She could never be sure whether you pitied her, like everyone else, or not.” I frown. If he uses the p-word one more time, I’m going ballistic. “If everything you did was out of pity. Eden would think you weren’t being authentic—she would be convinced it was because you felt sorry for her.”

“Pity?Pity?” my eyes flash. “Don’t you dare use that word in the same sentence as her name. Don’t you… don’t–I can’t breathe.”

Of course, he is completely right. Spot-on. Eden said the exact same thing to me after the concert.

“Remember when you thought Jude was flirting with her?” Skye pipes in.

I shut my eyes as waves of embarrassment and self-loathing wash over me. But the jealousy was useful, I suppose. It made me realize how much I felt for her. Still. Always. In fact, I feel so much more things for her now than I did four years ago.

“I was her friend,” Jude says. “God knows she needed one. But she wouldn’t let me help her and she would never talk to me. She allowed me to be there for her in very few, insignificant ways, because she absolutely hated pity. Every time she looked at me, she saw that I knew. That I was careful with her. That I wanted to protect her. And she hated that. She hated that so much, Zay.”

“You were so kind to her, all of you,” I murmur.

“Well, she told me…” Jude’s sentence trails off. “Ah, I don’t want to tell you this.”

“Tell me,” I snarl.

“She told me that he… you know, that Solomon person, he made her unable to trust anyone’s kindness,” Jude says looking at me slowly, carefully. Terrifiedly. “But here, with us, she felt safe. She told me that. Every time she saw us, she didn’t see a threat. Isn’t that something?”

“Well, if you’re right,” I spit, “she saw pity instead.”

“Ididn’t pity her,” Miki says.

“Me either,” Jude agrees, “but she told me so many times that she was sure I did. I think, no matter what, that was what she saw every time she looked at me.”

“And what did she see every time she looked at me?” I muse. The fight goes out of me suddenly, leaving me weak and hollow. “Rudeness and hatred and bitterness.”

“But not pity,” Jude says, not denying what I said. “You were you, not someone who felt bad for her.”

“And that’s why I lost her.” I fold to the ground, defeated.

“You,” Jude says, lowering himself to meet my eyes, “have lost nothing. She just needs time. You both do.” I turn away from his intense stare. “Have you stopped throwing up yet?” he asks me.

I have not, but he doesn’t need to know that. I flip him off and he chuckles.

“Get on the machine, Zay,” he says quietly. “You’ll feel better. Try at least not to faint this time, yeah?”

I climb to my feet, hands in fists, and come at him, but it’s hard to fight a dude who will not fight back. Even if it’s fake-fighting. He won’t budge. He just stands there, prepared to take it, whatever I may have to give.

My hands drop to my sides, chest heaving.

“Let me be here for you, man,” Jude says and the pain in his voice rips me open.

“I can’t,” I tell him.

I fight the urge to punch him on the nose.Can’t break the nose, it’s his best feature. We’ve got a show coming up.

“Would it help you to hit Skye instead?” he asks kindly.

Laughter bubbles up in my chest, easing the tension, but I’m not quite there yet. I do not have the ability to smile. Skye clears his throat behind me. It sounds like a whimper.

“I’d rather hit you, to be honest,” I tell Jude.

“Well, do it.”

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