Page 112 of Haunt Me

I can take it slow. Just watch me taking it slower than anyone ever has in the history of man. I will move at the pace of a snail. I won’t move at all: she will do all the moving, and I’ll just wait for her. No matter how long it takes.

…

I need to get start getting ready for my second Athens show.

I’m in a different state of mind today. I hit the gym for a few light weights and I do silent rehearsals with Jude. Last night, I wasraw with pain and new information, but tonight I want to be a better artist.

This is a sold-out stadium tour and I have been acting like it’s the seventh circle of hell. It’s high time I started acting the way I’m supposed to: I am here to serve the music and these people who have paid their hard-earned money to see me. I am here for them. I need to get over myself.

Right now, everyone is speculating their little hearts out on the forums, but I have not had time to sit with what I discovered. I don’t think I have realized any of it is true yet, it just feels like a nightmare. But one thing I do know: my fans will be overanalyzing every facial expression I make tonight, every crack of my voice, every note I hit, every single little thing I do. And so I make a decision.

I will be there for them. I will show up for my music and for them.

I will bring the joy—the fans deserve it. And maybe, just maybe, while I am on the stage, Eden will be safe home, cuddled with her sisters and her dad, watching one of the livestreams. Listening to me singing to her.

I want her to see me at my best, not like last night. Not like any show she has seen so far. She has seen me sing bitter and broken. She has seen me sing like a mess. I need to redeem myself in her eyes—and in mine.

In the world’s.

I’ll never again fall to my knees except in gratitude and victory.

I remember thinking this last night. So much of the night is hazy, but I remember thinking that. I remember thinking:I will change anything so that I’ll never the person I was tonight again. I know I will leave this stage a changed man.

Well, it’s not easy.

It feels impossible at first, but I try to breathe through the pain and the ugly thoughts that are trying to pull me under. Somehow, I rise above it. It’s a constant battle, but I find out that I can still sing my heart off, even though said heart is broken clean through.

The first Athens show was all about me falling apart, but this one is just about music. This one is about being able to exist along with all the terrible things of this world. About learning to not be afraid of them. About screaming the words that carry our pain and sadness up to the sky, in defiance of all the horrors of this world.

People are requesting I performPierce Meagain, and at first I say no—Jude and I aren’t ready. It wasn’t perfect last night, it was barely ready. But apparently, they are calling it my ‘new single’ all over the Internet, and videos of my performance have kept flooding every single news page and forum throughout the day. My team kept taking them down, but for every single one that was removed, ten more popped up. All within a single day. It’s a frenzy that makes everyone in the world go feral over finding last night’s version.

So, by the time my second Athens show is coming to an end, I have decided that I’m going to give them what they want: I’ll sing it again, even imperfectly.

Besides, I fully expect everyone to know the lyrics by heart already.

And, oh, they do.

You’ve made an Austen hero out of me

Look at me

I’m standing here

I’m Romeo, I’m Rochester

I’m Darcy and I’m Heathcliff

I’m freaking Mr. Knightley

Struggling for words

And oh I’m going full Wentworth

Writing letters, writing songs,

giving you my soul.

Begging you to pierce me

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