Page 20 of Leave

“Do… what again?” I paused. “See your family?”

“Yeah. And tomorrow is Easter, so it’s gonna be…” He pressed back against the bench and groaned. “Ugh. Fuck me.”

I grunted and went for my own coffee. Church had never been my thing, but I was following Riley’s lead here. If he wanted us to go to an Easter service with his parents, followed by Easter brunch and Easter dinner, in hopes that they’d finally accept him, then… fine. I’d do it with a smile. But I didn’t see myself enjoying any of it. Not if yesterday was any indication. And they didn’t want us there anyway, so…

Riley pressed the heels of his hands into his forehead. “Is it wrong that I want to abort this whole thing?”

I sat up. “Is that what you want?”

Sighing, he dropped his hands into his lap and fixed exhausted eyes on me. “Not gonna lie—yeah. I love my family. I really, really do, but…” He shook his head. “I don’t know why I thought this whole idea would work.”

“It was a good idea.” I shrugged. “You showed them the best card you could to make it clear you’re really gay and that’s not changing. How they react—that’s on them.”

“I know, but…” He stared at the table between us with unfocused eyes. “I spent a lot of time thinking about what I’d do if this didn’t work. But now that I’m staring down the barrel of it…”

I winced. “That has to suck.”

“It does.” Gaze still distant, he shook his head. “I think I’ve known all along it wouldn’t work. But now that it hasn’t… Fuck. I feel stupid for even trying a Hail Mary. I just thought…” He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “I’m so stupid. I’m…” Dropping his hand to the table, he finally looked at me. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”

“You didn’t,” I insisted. “And you’re going into the fray with me, too, so I’m not going to complain.”

“I think I undersold how much it would suck, though,” he muttered.

I’d have to check in with him in a week or two and see if he still thought I was getting the raw end of this deal. Yeah, his family wasn’t fun to be around right now, but there were some dark clouds waiting for us in Seattle that had nothing to do with all the stereotypes about rain.

In fact, now I felt guilty that we were going to go from this to the shitshow I’d been avoiding for the past few years. Was that going to be too much for him?

Well, at least the crap I had to deal with was less overt. The vast majority of the family had no idea anything had ever beenamiss, and it wasn’t like I’d ever told them why I’d left to join the Marine Corps and never looked back.

So maybe everything would fly under Riley’s radar just like it flew under everyone else’s. As long as he and I stayed more or less joined at the hip, then I could probably avoid it all.

Our breakfast came, and though Riley mostly picked at his, he did eat some. As we were finishing up, dread crept in. We’d delayed long enough. After we’d paid our bill and drunk our coffee, it was going to be time to face his family again. We couldn’t put it off forever.

I turned my coffee cup between my fingers. “So what’s the plan?”

Riley closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck with both hands. “I don’t know. I’m exhausted just thinking about going over there.”

“We don’t have to go right this minute.”

“I know.” He opened his eyes, looking even more fatigued than he’d been when we’d sat down. “I kind of don’t want to go at all.”

I wasn’t sure what to say.

Riley dropped his gaze into his coffee cup and exhaled. “I… Idon’twant to go. The more I think about it, Idowant to abort this whole thing.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I’m tired. I’ve been trying to make it as easy as possible for them to come to terms with me being gay. I’ve been doing that forsixteen fucking years. And this time, I mean, they made it clear from the moment we showed up…” He closed his eyes and swore. “I’m just… I’mtired. And when they said they don’t want us coming to church…” Sighing, he let his shoulders sag even more. “I think that put me over the edge.”

“I didn’t think you were that religious.”

“I’m not. Not at all. But it’s a family tradition. Easter and Christmas. And I thought…” He stared out the window, but I didn’t think he was focusing on anything in particular. “I guess I thought showing up and going through the motions, it would finally make it real for them, you know? And then it would make them see that I’m really…” He huffed a laugh. “Fucking stupid. That’s what I am and what this plan was. Fucking. Stupid.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid to want your parents to accept you.”

“No. It isn’t.” He faced me again. “But it was stupid to think this was going to convince them. Because the reality is… nothing will. Just because they’re not loud and proud homophobes doesn’t make them any better than the people who are. They’re as bigoted as the people who protest Pride parades and attack us for showing affection in public; they’re just too well-behaved to actually raise their hands or their voices.”

I blinked. “Whoa.”

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