Page 88 of Leave

He blinked, and for a moment I thought he might say no. If it was such a big deal, me having someone stay with me, then he didn’t want to tangle himself up in—

“Let me get my stuff.” He smiled. “I’ll be right back.”

Almost overcome with relief, I nodded. “Okay.”

As soon as he’d left the room, I indulged in a few deep breaths, willing my heart to slow down. I wanted this. I wanted him here with me. Sharing a bed with someone had been aminefield for me. Hell, it had been awful sharing a barracks room or—worse—the communal barracks in boot camp. But at least I’d always had my own bed.

Tonight, though, I wanted Riley close. I wanted him next to me.

He came back a few minutes later, suitcase and toiletry kit in hand. His expression was still full of uncertainty, but as we went through the motions of getting ready for bed, he relaxed.

So did I.

Settling into bed with him was an even better feeling than getting him off or taking him inside me. I loved his warmth. I loved the way he curled against me and draped his arm over my waist. I was sure we’d separate during the night—everyone did sooner or later—but this was still perfect.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” He kissed the back of my shoulder.

I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

His body tensed minutely against mine. “For what?”

“That everything is so… That nothing is easy with me.”

“It’s easier than you think.” He laced our fingers together against my chest.

I sighed, fighting the urge to grip his hand tight. “But it’s harder than it should be.”

“Something tells me it’s a lot harder for you than it is for me.”

Why did that have me suddenly choking up? Maybe because tonight had been such a damn roller coaster?

Or maybe because I’d been hiding and apologizing for my past for so long, it was foundation-rattling to have someone validate it. To know what a mess I was, and to stay. To acknowledge that I had trauma. To not fuckingleave.

And he didn’t even know the truth.

I exhaled and brought his hand up to kiss his fingers.

I was going to have to tell him sooner or later. He deserved to know. And more and more, I needed to get it off my chest and tellsomeonewho I could actually trust.

Not tonight, though. I was exhausted. I was in bed with Riley.

I was in the arms of the man I loved more than I ever thought I was capable.

Sleeping beside Riley was an amazing experience. For one thing, I actually slept. For a while, I’d just lain there, listening to him breathe, and for once in my goddamned life, my demons hadn’t been whispering in my ear. There’d been habitual fear, but no real fear that I’d wake up to something happening that I hadn’t consented to.

Despite all the recent reminders of my awful past, I knew without a doubt that Riley was safe. Someone I could trust implicitly, even when I was asleep beside him.

It was with that thought that I finally managed to fall asleep. There’d been dreams, of course, because there were always dreams. Each time I’d startled awake, I’d found him there beside me, sound asleep, his body heat warming my skin even as the remnants of a nightmare tried to keep me cold.

Somewhere in the night, we’d separated. I didn’t remember him letting go of me or me rolling away from him, only that we ended up a few inches apart.

As the sun started peeking in around the room’s thick curtains, though, he’d curled against me again. The morning wood pressed up against my ass wasn’t a hint or a demand, and I’d relaxed enough that I’d managed to fall back asleep myself.

During one of those moments when I was awake, I was aware that there were some tough conversations in our future. I didn’twant to look my past in the eye or lay it all out where Riley could see it.

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