Page 62 of Leave

A flurry of awful memories whirled through my mind, sending a miserable shudder through me. For a second, I was on the brink of panic, sure I’d killed the mood for myself, but Riley picked that moment to shiver and breathe, “Fuuuck…”

I laughed as those ugly memories scattered. “That’s what I’m doing,” I said. “Fucking.”

He just moaned and leaned back, as if trying to draw me in.

Which he would have… if my erection hadn’t started to flag.

Seriously?

I gave myself a couple more pulls, ostensibly to put on some more lube. What the hell? Those thoughts were gone—mostly—and this was about right here, right now. Not the past. I wanted Riley. I was safe with Riley. Just needed to push in and I could go to town on him like I’d fantasized about.

Come on, come on. Stay hard. What the fuck?

Whatever part of my brain was controlling my dick had apparently checked the hell out, though. And nothing I did could bring it back online.

I stroked myself. I fingered him. Slapped his ass to make him moan and distract him from my distraction. Called up all those fantasies of him and me that I’d jerked off to. Thought about him topping me and how hot that had been.

It all made me hot and made me want him so damn bad and—

An unwelcome memory surged to the surface, chasing away all those fantasies and memories.

My cock hard and ready despite my mind screaming no, no, no. Sliding in. Hot and tight. Physical pleasure intertwining with fear, revulsion, and—

“Nolan?” Riley murmured, yanking me back into the present. “You good?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Just…” I laughed self-consciously. “Trying not to come.”

He chuckled. “I know the feeling. Take your time.”

I focused even harder. Teasing him. Fingering him. Fantasizing about us and remembering the sex we’d had before. I wanted him, and I wanted to be inside him, and I wanted to be inside himtonight.Now.

My dick, however…

For fuck’s sake. Really?

More ugly memories wormed their way in. Fantasizing didn’t help—every sexy mental image twisted itself into things I’d never been able to forget.

My frustration only added to the problem, and I started going from “not quite firm enough for entry” to “the punchline of every impotence joke ever.”

Goddammit.

Defeat took over, and I gave a resigned sigh. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

Riley twisted around to look over his shoulder. “You okay?”

“I’m good. Can’t really say the same about…” I pointed downward.

“Can’t really—oh.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.” I couldn’t look at him. I could barely get my voice to work. “I don’t fucking get it, but…”

“Hey. Hey.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me lightly. “It’s okay.”

His gentle reassurance only made me feel worse. I was as safe as I could possibly be with him. But I still couldn’t do this? What the fuck?

“Talk to me,” he whispered.

I didn’t want to. I really wanted to retreat to my own room and wallow in all this embarrassment alone.

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