Page 33 of Leave

“I mean, we’ve been jacking each other off and giving each other head for ages, but I’d never kissed you before two nights ago. I’ve…” He half-shrugged. “I’ve never even seen you naked.”

Every muscle in my body tensed, and my breath stuttered.

“We don’t have to,” Riley said quickly. “But maybe that should be a step between where we are and doing more, you know?”

I gnawed my lower lip and nodded. “We, um… We can. Strip everything off, I mean.”

He studied me. “Is that whatyouwant?”

“Yeah. I’ve, uh…” I laughed as some warmth rose in my face, and I avoided his gaze. “I don’t even know why we haven’t…” That was a fucking lie, but I wasn’t about to bring this to a screeching halt to fill him in on my messy history.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “But if it’s what you want now, then we can. I just, um….” He touched my chin and lifted it enough to make me look in his eyes. “Why don’t we start there? Keep fucking on the table for another night, but not push it right now?”

Shame and embarrassment coiled uncomfortably beneath my ribs. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and do everything I’d stupidly stopped us from doing.

Maybe he was right, though. It had taken me this long to let him in close enough to kiss me. What was another night or two?

“Okay. We, um…” I gulped. “We could grab a shower. Especially since we’ve been on the road all day.”

The way his face lit up gave me a thrill I couldn’t quite describe. As if I’d expected him to roll his eyes at the stupid suggestion, or that he’d just think it was a ridiculous baby step. Instead, he genuinely looked like the idea turned him on.

Taking my hand, he tugged me away from the door. “A shower sounds great.”

We only made it halfway across the room, though, before he stopped, uneasiness replacing arousal in his eyes.

“Uh…” He chewed his lip. “Listen, before we start stripping everything off…”

I held my breath, not sure where this was going.

Riley cleared his throat. “Look, I don’t want to make assumptions about your past, and I don’t want to pry in where it’s none of my business. But while we’re still dressed… I just want to know if there’s a reason it’s taken us this long to get here.” He paused, then quickly added, “Even if that reason is just that all you wanted was a handjob or a blowjob once in a while.” He shrugged as if he thought it really could be that simple. “Or you’re shy about getting naked with someone. I just don’t want to step on a bad memory. Orbecomea bad memory.”

I avoided his gaze for a moment. “I’ve… I mean, yeah, I’ve got some history. And I really don’t want to get into it.” I steeled myself, then looked in those gorgeous, concerned eyes. “But I’m good. I want to do this.”

Riley nodded. “Okay. Uh… One question, though.” He sounded uneasy. “No need to go into details. Just yes or no—have you ever had anal before?”

My stomach roiled. I hated going down this path with guys. I wanted us to go farther—I wanted us to fuck until the bed broke—but this was the part that usually scared people away. Thelayers of fear and shame and disgust that had nothing to do with them but didn’t just magically fly away.

Before I could speak, Riley touched my arm. “I’m serious—I’m not asking for details. But there’s nervous because you haven’t done something before, and there’s nervous because you have and it didn’t go well. I just want to know where the lines are.”

I nodded slowly. “I’ve… I’ve done it before. It’s been a long time.”

He swept his tongue across his lips. “Okay. Okay, that’s fine.” His raised eyebrows asked if there was anything else.

“It’s never gone bad, either. Not… Not anal. It’s…” I closed my eyes. There was no way to explain why I was so hung up on this or anything else sexual without showing cards I hated showing. I wished I could forget they existed at all, but they always made themselves known the minute I started getting physical with someone—especially as we started venturing beyond what we could do at almost an arm’s length.

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” he said softly. “If you’ve got a history you don’t want to talk about, or you just didn’t like something—fine. All I want to know is where the lines are.”

I swallowed hard before I met his gaze again. “I’ve never had a bad experience with this specifically. I’m just… really, really nervous about it.”

“That’s okay. And we’re not going to tonight—I don’t want to rush into it.”

Fresh shame and embarrassment heated my skin, and I laughed almost soundlessly. “We’ve been fooling around formonths. Almost a damnyear. And all the way here today…”

“We have. But this is the first time we’ve even talked about going that far. And I don’t want to try it the same time we have our clothes off for the first time.”

I pursed my lips; I had to be bright red by now. I hated being handled with kid gloves in the bedroom. I hated that Ineededit.

“Nolan. Look at me.”

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