Page 31 of Leave

“You’re good,” I told him. “I’ll tell you if something is too much.”

Riley seemed to relax a little. “Please do. I like doing all kinds of things, but only if the person I’m with also wants to, you know? And I know there’s a lot you don’t like, so…”

I slowly released a breath. I supposed for most people, it wasn’t a novelty to have someone be okay with their limits. For me and my mountains of boundaries, though…

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I whispered.

I could feel him watching me as I watched the road. I sensed the questions he wasn’t asking. Or maybe I was imagining it because I knew what questions I’d probably have in that moment.

Why is it such a minefield? What happened?

I had no idea if he’d actually ask those questions out loud, but I didn’t give him a chance to. Tapping my thumbs on the wheel, I said, “So, on that subject… of trying new things…”

Riley stiffened in the passenger seat, though he tried to play it cool by shifting around and twisting toward me. “Mmhmm?”

I swallowed, staring straight ahead at the freeway laid out in front of us. God, I was so bad at stuff like this. “There’s… Well, I mean, there’s a lot of stuff we don’t do.” I gripped the wheel tight enough it made my hands ache. “I… guess all this time, I haven’t thought about if you might be missing out on something you wanted.”

“Nobody’s ever going to do everything,” he said quietly. “Yeah, there’s stuff I’d love to do. But if you’re not into it, then we won’t. It’s that simple.”

I swallowed. “What kind of stuff?”

He studied me for a moment. “Look, I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything. If you’re not into something, you’re not into it.” He shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”

Heart pounding, I nodded. “But… what if I could be?”

The silence made my ears ring. I glanced at him, and he was watching me intently, his expression full of both curiosity and caution.

I fixed my attention on the road again. “I’m… open to more than what we already do.”

“Right, but how much more?” His voice was surprisingly gentle. “You’ve got some history. Something you don’t have to tell me about, but it involves sex. And I don’t want to add on to that, you know?”

I shifted in my seat, my hands aching furiously from the death grip I had on the wheel. I relaxed them, not that it helped much.

“Youdon’thave to tell me anything about what happened,” he repeated quickly. “I’m not asking for that. But as much asI know where your boundaries are, I don’t know where yourlandminesare. If I want something that’s off-limits to you because of your past—I don’t want to suggest something that’s going to be bad for you, you know?”

I tapped my thumbs on the wheel. “Can I say no to anything you suggest?”

“Absolutely,” he said without a second’s hesitation. “You can always say no. Even if it’s something you’ve said yes to before, or it’s something we’re right in the middle of. You canalwayssay no.”

The muscles in my back, shoulders, and neck started to relax, which was when I realized how tense they’d become. “That’s all I need, then. As long as I can say no…” I half-shrugged, which tugged at some of those slowly loosening muscles.

Riley was quiet for long enough that I thought he might be hoping I’d drop the subject, or waiting for me to say more. Something.

But then he spoke. “Okay. Well.” He took a breath. “For one thing, I love fucking. Like, anal. Top, bottom—I don’t care. I just really love it.”

My throat was tight, which made it tough to swallow, but I managed. “Is that something you want us to do?”

He again fell quiet for a moment. “To put it bluntly, I have absolutely fantasized about us doing it. But it’s not a dealbreaker whether it’s because there’s trauma associated with it or because you just don’t like it. Even if it’s something I enjoy, Iwouldn’tenjoy it if you didn’t. But if you want to, then hell yes, I do too.”

I didn’t know how to process that.

Riley was watching me. I didn’t take my eyes off the road to look, but I could see him in my peripheral vision and I could feel his scrutiny. After a mile or so, he cautiously asked, “Doyouwant to do more than we’ve done?”

I gripped the wheel tighter. “I… Yeah, I think….” I took a deep breath. “Yeah, I do.”

“Like, how much more?” He paused. “I mean, is there something specific you have in mind?”

The word “everything” was dangerously close to falling out of my mouth, which spooked me. Was I really getting that comfortable with him? Or was I getting careless?

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