Page 133 of Leave

“No.” I shook my head. “It’s, um… It’s actually pretty easy for me to get leave.”

“It is?” But then the pieces seemed to connect in his head. “So all the times you didn’t come back for things… you were avoiding…”

I nodded. “It sucks, being so far away from the family all the time, especially missing holidays and big things. But facing her…”

“Jesus, Nolan.” He stared at me as if I’d just punched him in the gut. “You’ve missed so many things—and then you came for my wedding…”

“Of course I did! You’re my little brother. I wouldn’t have missed your wedding for anything, especially not when you wanted me as your best man. I just thought…” I sighed, leaning against the railing again. “I thought I could suck it up and be around her. Especially since I’d have Riley with me this time.”

Matt offered a sad smile. “I mean, I’m glad you don’t have to get through it now. But at least if you did, you had him with you.”

Christ, wasn’t that the truth?

My brother went back inside to help his wife spread the word about the postponed wedding, and I stayed on the deck. I faced the yard again, closed my eyes, and took in some long, slow breaths of cool air.

None of this was resolved. Nothing was settled. Guilt would be a constant companion for a long time, just like shame and trauma had been for all these years. But I hadn’t lost my younger brother. I probably hadn’t lost my parents. Though it would take a long time to sort through all the wreckage of today, I felt less alone than I had since the night Leann had driven me home from wrestling.

The kitchen door opened again, and I gazed out at the yard, wondering who’d joined me this time.

The hand on the small of my back let me release my breath.

Without a word, I turned around and gathered Riley up in a tight bear hug.

He tensed for a second, but then wrapped his arms around my waist.

I buried my face against his neck. “I am so glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” He stroked my hair. “What do you need?”

“This.” I kissed his neck and held him tighter. “You. Just… That’s all.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He pressed a soft kiss to my temple. “And for what it’s worth, I’d still have been in your corner and had your back if we were still just roommates with benefits. None of this is contingent on anything. I care about you. Full stop.”

God, I was so done crying today, but the tears stinging my eyes weren’t from grief or pain this time.

“You’re amazing.” I lifted my head to meet his gaze, not even bothering to wipe my eyes because I knew this man wouldn’t think less of me for tearing up. “I have no idea what I did to deserve you, and you definitely deserve better than me, but—”

He cut me off with a soft, sweet kiss, followed by a murmured, “Shut up.”

I laughed even as a tear rolled down my cheek.

“I love you,” he went on. “You’re as far from perfect as I am, but I wouldn’t change a thing about you. I don’t care what I deserve—I’m just blown away that somehow, I have you.”

I exhaled and touched my forehead to his. “Can’t believe I’ve been missing out on this romantic side of you all this time.”

He laughed. “Well, wine me and dine me at some of those fancy-ass steakhouses when we get back to Oki, and you’ll see a lot more of it.”

The laughter that poured out of me felt better than anything had all day. Or in a long time, if I was honest.

I cupped his neck in both hands and kissed him, letting it linger for a moment. Then I wrapped my arms around him again and just held him as my whole world seemed to settle around us.

“Thank you, by the way,” I said, “for suggesting this trip. I didn’t think any of it would play out this way, but I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” He kissed my temple. “And you were there for me too. When everything blew up with my family.”

That almost had me reeling; the visit to California felt like months ago. “Jesus.” I drew back to look at him. “You’ve been holding me up this whole time, and I should’ve been supporting you while you dealt with—”

His gentle kiss shut me up.

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