Page 38 of Tied

Chris

“So you got off, and your dick was in your pants? I think that’s a win-win.”

“Thanks, Carli. Yes I did.”

“So are you about to celebrate with a room full of cocks, feather boas, porno videos, dildos, and frilly dresses?”

“Don’t make me come over there and tell you the reason you had to clean your car in person, Carli. It won’t be a pretty picture.”

“And why would you have to do it in person? Is the truth that good? Because if it was scary and you thought I’d kill you, there’s no way you’d travel to L.A. to tell me.”

Shocked, I smile. “You’re back in the States? Really? When did you get back?” I’m worried it means something happened with the babies. “And why are you here? What happened, Car?”

“Nothing, you posh pussy. Both are asleep in their cribs, tossing and turning as they think of what their Uncle Chris did to their mother’s car.”

I snicker, envisioning those sweet little darlings. “Considering who their parents are, I’m amazed neither of them have horns and a Jai of their own as soothers.”

“They’re not allowed their own Jai’s.” She quiets for a second. “They’ll have to name them later when they can speak. For now, it’s Bubba one and Bubba two.”

“Oh my God. The things you think up, Carli.”

“You love it, Chris. Now stop fucking around. Tell me what happened over the past week while I was pushing beach balls out of my cunt.”

Giving her the rundown, I tell her all of it. The whole fiasco with the stupid shit I said in court, how the judge—who had thankfully been the recipient of blackmail and bullying of his own—understood my plight. He released me of all charges. He also condemned the asshat—his words, not mine—and suggested he should shut up and sit down before he was countersued for entrapment and willful bodily harm. The last was a stretch he said, but he felt it was up to me. The whole time, Marcus sat in the chair looking downtrodden, publicly embarrassed and frightened of what the judge might do next. I chocked it up to a life lesson. Thankfully, it also meant the video had to be taken off the internet, unless he and his co-conspirators wished for further defamation of character and blah, blah, blah charges.

“So I got off.”

“I guess you could say that. Did you countersue?” she asks.

“No. I just wanted it to go away.”

“Wow. You really are a pussy.” Shuffling around, I hear a baby crying in the background. “See? Even Coco and Lou don’t like it.”

“What did you name those two sweet girls again, might I ask?”

“Coco and Christian. For my two favorite things.”

She can’t mean that.

“You named your daughters after Coco Chanel and Christian Louboutin? Please tell me you’re kidding?”

Hearing low cooing, I know Carli has soothed the babe. “No, I didn’t. How much of a bitch do you think I am? Nori is after my mother, and Marca after Jamieson’s. He didn’t want to at first, but after a bit of sexual coercion, he fell in line.”

“That’s almost sweet, Carli. I knew you were nice.”

“Watch it, buddy. You still haven’t told me a story about my car, a feather boa, and a very thorough cleaning. Until that time, you are never off the hook. Be prepared, you’ll be called for late-night diaper changes when I’m tired.”

“Ugh. Yeah, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m allowed to travel out of state anymore.”

“Yeah, I’d say that’s a wise choice. When do you fly out?”

“I don’t leave until Monday morning. Julia made me promise to stick around for brunch once more before I leave. She scares me more than you do.”

“That’s not a stretch, Chris. You’re afraid I’ll kill your mojo, and you’re afraid she’ll toss you in a ring. I’d be scared too. The last ring you played with almost cost you your state job.”

“Had to go to there?”

“Of course. It’s the only ring you have of value. Elaine took the other one anyway.”

We’ve talked about Elaine already, how she’s cleared out the house, cleared out the accounts, and left paperwork on the counter, which was told to me by the lawyers, and how she expects that I won’t contact her in the future. Funny. We were friends for years, sham married for years after that, and I supported her with everything. And now she wants me to disappear from her life as if I never existed. Something’s off in Denmark, but I’ll leave it for now.

When the second baby starts to yelp, that’s when Carli tells me she has to go. Saying our goodbyes, I promise to find a way to visit while she’s in the States.

Hanging up the call, I feel lonely all over again. It’s Saturday in Manhattan, and I’m fearful of a repeat performance from the last Saturday I had free. Of course, all of my colleagues that were here when everything went down have gone back to their respective states. That means I don’t have a friend in the city to call, and I’m not up for causing trouble. Deciding to try out the toys gifted to me by Julia once more, I figure the second time’s a charm.

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