Page 72 of What About Now

She moves to sit up but stays close. Her eyes find mine. “What about now?”

“Am I happy now?” I ask her, and she nods. “I’m not good with words,” I tell her, and she scoffs.

“Trust me, you’re better than you think you are.”

I grab her hand in mine, because I need to be touching her. “I’ve never felt this kind of happiness. I’ve never been excited to go to bed because I know I get to hold you. I’m just as excited to wake up with you in my arms. I get your first smiles of the day. I don’t remember that.” I point toward the screen. “However, I do know that when I woke up in Vegas next to you, wearing this ring, I knew. I knew you were meant to be mine. I felt it in my gut. The entire flight home, all I could think about was how I could convince you to give this a shot. You took a chance on me, and I’m pretty sure I was already halfway in love with you from that alone.”

Her smile is soft as she replies, “This kind of happy is new to me too. My entire life, I’ve felt something missing. I know it was my mom and then my dad. The girls were born at the same time we lost him, and I didn’t have time to worry about the missing pieces.”

“You didn’t have time to find your happy. You were too busy being strong for everyone else.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, as she moves to climb onto my lap. Once she’s straddling me, my hands rest on her thighs as she places a palm on either side of my face. “I wasn’t looking for my happy, Maddox. I didn’t think I deserved it, and to be honest, there’s still a large part of me that still thinks that way. However, today, you didn’t even flinch at the appointment with Susan. I was so sure that you were going to walk away from me. That my drama would be too much, but you didn’t. Instead, you told me you loved me.”

“I do love you, Brogan. Everything I am is yours.” I stare into her big green eyes, willing her to believe me. “Your past is not drama; it’s your past. It’s what helped make you who you are. I know that it takes time for you to truly give your trust and your love, and I’m completely fine with that. I’m here to accept both when you’re ready to give them. In the meantime, I want you toknow that nothing in your past, your present, or your future will change how I feel about you.”

Tears shimmer in her eyes, but the smile that’s lighting up her face tells me that this time, they’re tears of happiness. Leaning in, she kisses me. I let her set the pace, and she chooses to take her time.

When we finally break apart, there is something shining in her eyes, something that tells me whatever she’s about to say is going to rock my world on its axis.

“Maddox Lanigan, I dreamt of you. For months, I would watch you and wish that things could be different. I would dream about what it would be like to be with you. Nothing I ever fantasized about comes close to the real thing. You make me feel strong. You make me feel safe, and there is nothing I love more than having your arms wrapped tightly around me. I look forward to your hugs and your gruff good mornings. I crave your goodnights because I don’t get them until I’m wrapped up in your arms.” She pauses, but I don’t speak, afraid to break her train of thought. “I watched my sister and Forrest, and I always wondered what that would be like. To have a man look at you like you’re his lifeline.”

My heart is pounding in my chest. This is different.Ifeel different, and by the look in her eyes, she feels this connection. I can see it just as much as I can sense it flowing between us like a live wire.

“Now I know.” She smiles, and I don’t even think I’m breathing as I wait for her to say more. “I know what it’s like to have a good, hardworking, honest man look at you like you hung the moon. I know what it’s like to feel safe, loved, and cherished above everything else in his world. You put me at the top of yours. You’ve allowed me to work through my pain and stood next to me throughout my journey. I have a long way to go, but I’d be lying to us both if I didn’t admit that I’m in love with you.”

I suck in a sharp breath as my heart expands ten times its size, feeling as though it might burst from my chest. “Say it again.” I pull her close to me so there’s barely an inch of space between us.

“Maddox Lanigan, I love you.”

“Fuck yes, you do.” I crash my lips to hers. I put everything I am into this kiss. I need her to know that she’s everything.Myeverything.

Her hands grapple between us as she reaches for the hem of my shirt and tugs. “I need this off.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I smile at her and raise my arms to grab my shirt at the back of my neck and pull it off.

Keeping my hands at my sides, I sit still while hers roam over my chest. I let her explore to her heart's content. It’s not until she’s reaching for the waistband of my jeans do I speak up.

“Tell me what you want, Brogan.” This feels different. She’s more open and going for what she wants. I need to make sure I understand before things get out of hand. We’ve had a major breakthrough and the last thing I want is to scare her, push her too far and set us back with how far we’ve come.

“I want you.”

“You already have me, baby.”

“No, I mean, I want you.” She pops the button on my jeans.

“Take all the time you need. You don’t have to do this because you think I want it, or because you’re afraid I’ll walk away.”

“You’ve given me time, Maddox. I’m not afraid you’ll walk away. Okay, that’s a lie. There is still a part of me that worries, but there is a bigger part of me that knows I’m in control. I get to choose something my sister didn’t have the luxury to do.” She tilts her head to the side, and her tongue peeks out and swipes along her bottom lip. “I choose you, Maddox. For once in my life, I’m turning off the anxiety part of my brain, and I’m following my gut.”

“What is your gut telling you?”

“My gut is telling me that I want you to be my first. I want you to make love to me. I want my husband to make love to me.”

“I want that, too, baby. However, I feel like I should warn you.”

“Warn me?”

I nod. “I’ve never felt this kind of connection with someone, and I know that if we do this. If we cross that line, I’m never letting you go. I won’t be able to do it, Brogan. Already, the thought of us not being together tears me apart from the inside out, but if you were to give me this, and decide you’re done, I know for certain I’ll never recover.”

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