Page 68 of What About Now

Briar is up and out of her seat and making her way toward me. She grabs my hand and leads me into the office. Susan doesn’t say a word about Briar being here with us. Briar takes one of the chairs, while Susan takes the other, and Maddox and I sit on the love seat facing them.

“Maddox, I asked Brogan to invite you to a session so I could help assist her with working through telling you about some past traumas.”

“Thank you,” Maddox replies.

“Brogan, are you still okay if we talk freely with both Maddox and Briar here?”

“Yes.” I nod and twist my hands together in my lap.

“Briar, since you are also a patient, I have to ask you the same. Are you okay to proceed with Maddox here?”

“He’s my brother. Of course I am.”

My eyes snap to my sister, and she smiles at me, mouthing, “I love you,” and bobs her head.

Maddox reaches over and places his hand over mine. I stop twisting them together and instead open my palm, accepting his, linking our fingers together. I can already feel the calm washing over me. How he does that, I’ll never know.

“I don’t know how to do this,” I blurt.

“That’s what I’m for,” Susan says gently. “Brogan, tell me how you feel.”

“Broken.”

“What?” Maddox turns in his seat to look at me. He studies my face, and even though I want to look away, I can’t seem to force myself to do so. “Brogan, baby, you’re not broken.”

“Aren’t I?” I counter.

“What are you afraid of, Brogan?” Susan asks.

“Losing the people I care about.” My eyes fall to my lap. I can’t face him or my sister.

“Loss is a part of life,” Susan reminds me kindly. “What else weighs heavily on you?”

I want to yell at her to shut the hell up, but I remind myself she’s just doing her job. She’s here to help me, and even though she knows the answer, she’s going to make me say it. Something I’ve never said out loud to anyone but her.

“Guilt,” I mumble.

“Do you want to talk about that?” Susan asks.

No, Susan, I don’t want to talk about it.“Not really,” I admit, keeping the snark to myself.

“Brogan.” Briar’s voice cracks, and I lift my head to look at her. Even from my spot across the room, I see the tears swimming in her eyes.

Something inside me breaks, as I feel my own tears burn behind my eyes. “I wanted to go that night.” My voice is raspy. Iswallow past the lump in the back of my throat and keep going. I knew this is what today would be, so I need to pull up my big girl pants and rip off the Band-Aid.

“I wanted to go. You didn’t. You said we wouldn’t know anyone, but those cute guys from the deli invited us, and I wanted to go.” A hot tear rolls across my cheek. “I begged you, and you gave in because you’re my sister, and you didn’t want me to go alone.”

I choke back a sob before continuing, “It’s my fault. I never should have begged you to go to that party. We had barely graduated high school. We had no business at a college party with guys who were getting ready to graduate and that we didn’t know.”

Tension radiates off Maddox, but I can’t look at him. I can’t look at any of them, and they all remain quiet, giving me the time I need to work through these feelings that I’ve only ever spoken to Susan.

“I’m the older sister. I should have been more responsible. We never should have taken drinks from them, and I never should have left your side for a second.” I focus on breathing because I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. When I’ve finally calmed my breathing, I look up to find my sister with tearstained cheeks.

“What happened that night was not your fault, Brogan. We couldn’t control that they drugged us. There was no way you could have stayed glued to my side, because they made sure of it. Should we not have been there? I don’t know. I’d like to think that they were only four years older than us. It’s not like we were hanging out with men twenty years older than us. What they did was wrong. They are the ones to blame. I hate that we’ll never know who they are. I used to hate that my daughters would never have a father, but that all changed for me in the last year. I met an amazing man who gave me the time I needed to get toknow him. He gave me patience and love, and he showed me that my past does not define me, or my daughters. My babies have a daddy. His blood might not be flowing through their veins, but I know in here”—she places her hand over her chest—“and in here”—she taps her index finger against her temple—“that no man could ever love them more than he does. He showed me that there are good men out there. He gave me, you, and the girls a family. Something we’ve been missing outside of the four of us for far too long.”

I can’t stop the tears as they cascade down my cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“No.” Briar’s voice is stern. “Don’t apologize to me. I agreed to go. If I’m being honest, I wanted to go, but I was intimidated that we wouldn’t know anyone there, but I knew that I would have you. I still have you, and you have me, but we have a group of amazing people who have chosen to be our family.”

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