Page 48 of What About Now

“My heart tells me he’s a good man. My heart tells me he feels this as much as I do.”

“Can I make a suggestion?”

“Sure, that’s why I’m paying you the big bucks,” I joke.

She chuckles lightly. “I’d like for you to consider having Maddox come to an appointment with you. I’d happily work a session with the two of you into my schedule. I know when you and Briar came together, it helped both of you so much. I think you should consider the same with Maddox. Open and honest communication is important for every marriage.”

“It’s temporary.”

“Is it? From where I’m sitting, you both want this to last the test of time. Is that what you want, Brogan?”

“Of course that’s what I want!” I say far too loudly, but Susan doesn’t even flinch. “He’s the first man I’ve wanted more from since that night. Now that he’s mine, and I’ve experienced what it’s like to go to sleep with his arms wrapped around me and his gruff good morning at the first light of day, why would I want to give that up?”

“I’m proud of you for admitting that.”

I cross my arms over my chest, feeling more exposed than I have in a very long time. “Sorry I raised my voice,” I mumble. I was out of line.

Susan waves her hand in the air. “It’s nothing, and I’m used to it.” She sets her notebook on the table in front of us and leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “Brogan, you’re not broken. I know that’s what you think, but that’s your fear talking. Life has passed out some heavy hits, but you’re stronger because of it. Does it suck? Sure. But look at Briar. She’s embraced that life is what you make of it. You have to fight everyday to live the life you want. You have to look past those hits and look toward what’s next.”

“More hits,” I grumble.

“Maybe. Probably. Life is imperfect, just as we humans are. You’re missing the biggest pieces of this puzzle, Brogan.”

“What’s that?”

“Do you want to take those hits standing alone or with a man next to you, who wants to hold you up and take each one for you?Withyou. Do you want to live in fear or let love and happiness guide you?”

I let her words spin around in my mind. I know she’s right. I’ve spent so much time trying to make up for that night at the frat party. The guilt sits heavily on my shoulders, and I don’t deserve a man like Maddox. I don’t deserve that love and happiness.

“Our time's up for today, but think about what you want. Really think about it. It’s going to be a fight every day. Also, consider inviting Maddox to an appointment. You let me know when and we’ll make it work.”

“Thank you, Susan.” I stand and move toward the door.

“Brogan?”

I turn to look at her.

“It’s not your fault.” She smiles, and I give her a half-assed one in return. She tells me this at the end of every solo appointment. I might not always talk about that night, but that’s where my guilt lies. Susan, I’m sure, plans to keep telling me until I believe her.

I don’t know if I ever will.

When I make it to the house, Maddox is already home. As I step inside, I can smell he’s already working on dinner. After kicking off my shoes and hanging up my coat, I go in search of my husband.

“Hey, beautiful. How was your day?” He offers me a huge smile, one I’ve noticed he only gives me.

“Good. I worked until noon, since I work Saturday, and had a therapy appointment after.”

“How did that go? Anything you want to talk about?” he asks.

I don’t know why, but his question has tears springing to my eyes. I feel raw after every session, but this feels different. I shake my head, unable to form words. Maddox puts the lid back on the pot, turns off the burner of what smells like chili, and, in a few long strides, he’s standing before me. He doesn’t say a single word; he just wraps his arms around me and holds me close. His arms band around me like a vise, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep my tears from falling.

My arms go around him, and I fist his shirt as the tears continue to flow. Maddox never loosens his hold on me. He kisses my head, and his grip holds strong as he lets me work through my tears. When I try to pull away, he grunts, and the next thing I know, his hands are on the backs of my thighs, and I’m wrapping my legs around his waist, before burying my face in his neck.

I’m embarrassed. I’m an emotional wreck, and this man doesn’t deserve to deal with my drama. We’re moving, but I can’t find it inside me to care where we’re going. When I feel him sit, I finally open my eyes. We’re on the couch.

I lift my head and wipe at my eyes. I part my lips to apologize, but Maddox places his index finger over them. “Come here.” He pats his chest, and I lie against him. It’s a little awkward, but we make it work.

He runs his hands up and down my back and pushes my hair out of my face. “You don’t have to tell me, but, baby, my heart is cracked wide open right now. I hate seeing your tears. I want to fix whatever’s bothering you so I can see those big green eyes light up with your smile.”

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