Page 82 of Restrained

“You don’t have to lie to me.”

Okay. So the thought has passed through my mind a time or two, and I know Asher felt that way. “He died. Of course, you were heartbroken.”

“I would have been if it would have been any one of you. You all were my whole life.” I hate the tears welling in her eyes and the anguish all over her face. “I failed all of you so badly.”

“What?” I stare at her in horror. She didn’t fail us. I reach for her hand. “What are you talking about? You’ve always been the best mom anyone could ask for.”

“I never worried about him.” I stare at her, confused and not sure if I'm ready for this talk. “I worried about Lincoln all the time. He was wild and rebellious. I worried about Asher when it was clear he wasn’t sure who he was and started to party too much.” I love my mother, but to be honest, I didn’t know she was aware of that. I thought she thought our lives were perfect. “And I worried about you, Lola.”

I stare at her, noticing the worry lines around her eyes. They’re the only thing that gives away her age. She’s a natural beauty. “What? Why?”

“You reminded me too much of me. Always wanting everyone to be happy. Wanting things to be perfect.”

“Let’s not pretend I’m the matriarch of this family.”

Her head tilts to the side, and that same shoulder kicks up in a shrug. “You are in a lot of ways, especially when I wasn’t there.”

“You’ll always be the mama of the family. And you were then too. I’m sure you worried about him.” I close my eyes, hating that I still can’t say his name out loud. That I still flinch when anyone else uses his name. It makes it all too real for me.

Matriarch hell. I’ve been crippled by his death.

“I didn’t. I really didn’t. I thought he had it all figured out. I thought, stupidly...” A sob escapes her throat, and tears fall down her cheek, but she quickly wipes them away. “I thought he was the one I didn’t need to worry about. He seemed so put together.”

The lump in my throat is massive, and I can’t swallow it away. “He carried it all well.”

“I should have known it was all too much for him, but I didn’t. I failed him, and then I failed all of you. I let you lose him.”

“Mom, you couldn’t have stopped it.” I think about my conversation with Hayden and only now realize how like my mother I am. “You just couldn’t have. He didn’t tell anyone what was going on because he wanted to be the strong one who had it all together. None of us knew. And we have to stop blaming ourselves.”

Hayden walks out of the kitchen, and I lock eyes with him, a smile taking over my face as tears sit at the surface of my eyes.

“We have to try to really move on with our lives or wearefailing him. Because he wouldn’t want us to be miserable.”

She smiles and nods. “No. He definitely wouldn’t want that.”

Hayden joins us hesitantly, not sitting down. “Everything okay?”

I nod and take his hand, encouraging him to sit. “We’re just discussing the wedding.”

He nods and hands my mother a napkin, who dabs at her wet tears before looking at Hayden. “I’m really happy you’ll be attending.”

He smiles, knowing he’s likely missed quite the conversation but only offers a warm smile in her direction. “Me too.”

I’m not ready to go back there. I don’t think I ever will be, but maybe Linc and Penelope are right.

Maybe this is just part of the healing.

35

HAYDEN

“So, you think you’re ready to be married, huh?”

Penelope lifts her dark eyebrow at me as she lifts a champagne flute to her lips. “Really? You’re gonna do the big brother talk three months into being my brother?”

I laugh, enjoying the casual banter we’ve started since our meetup at the coffee place. “Actually, it’s been almost four months of being a big brother, and youaregetting married tomorrow.”

Her smile widens as her eyes move over to her fiancé. “I am.”

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