Page 135 of Damaged

A hundred-dollar bill sits crumpled next to his empty glass.

I stand still in the doorway for several seconds. The universe put James and me together. If this was a sign, I didn’t take advantage of it. In fact, I blew it.

But perhaps the real sign is that his stool is already empty. I never got a chance to apologize for how I walked away from him in the park.

I go back to my booth and slide in opposite Michael. He’s ordered two beers.

“Sorry. I got distracted reading all the wall art,” I say.

“No worries. This guy just walked by. A handsome dude. He looked at me like he wanted tostrangleme to death,” Michael says and laughs. “It was the weirdest thing. You’d think I killed his mom. I was afraid for my life for a few seconds.”

“Yeah,” I say, sighing. “That sounds about right.”

It felt like the date lasted forever. I had to try my very hardest to listen to what Michael was telling me. My mind was a million miles away, and I feel like I did a poor job hiding it.

I was thinking of James. He cares enough to avoid me. Is that because he hates my guts? I didn’t see any of that in his eyes. Quite the opposite. I think I saw longing. Of course I saw longing. We werebothcrazy for each other.

A lack of affection is not why we broke up. The same problems are all still there.

He didn’t tell me anything about working less. He didn’t care to mention if things have changed or if he was still willing to change them. No. It’s over, and he knows that perhaps better than I do. Because he knows he won’t change.

I go to bed early. It’s a Wednesday, but the wonderful weather has the city out and alive. I close my bedroom door and stare at the ceiling.

I tell myself if I hear a single noise above me, a shoe drop, I’ll go to the stairwell. I’ll knock on his door, and I know James would open it for a night of sex.

Five minutes becomes ten.

I keep my ear cocked. I hug my pillow and feel just as ridiculous as I do empty.

Ten minutes becomes twenty.

It’s a long time to listen to silence.

Sophia

The girls and I decide to make a trip out of the two days before I set sail from the Bahamas. We all come down early, and I rent a bench house that is a little extravagant but not out of my new price range.

It feels a little wrong. At a thousand bucks a night, I could stay at a place like this for a little over ayear. That thought hasn’t sunk in. I have a thousand dollars four hundred times.

That sounds a lot bigger than four hundred grand.

We’re sitting in the sand on the western-facing beach, watching the sun swell red as it sets. It’s been a good couple of days. I’m a little weird in that I don’t like to talk about my breakup. Hailee and Alana press for details, but I don’t give them much.

I told them he works too much. That I would always be a distant second to James’s company. I didn’t tell them that we had said ourI love yous.

I didn’t tell them that my bloody beating heart had never been so in love.

They think I just had a fling with my hot boss. That’s fine. I don’t need to be pitied. But sometimes I feel guilty for being the private friend. Alana and Hailee spill their hearts while I keep mine under lock and key.

“So who’s your crush on this voyage? The crew is all pretty young,” says Alana.

“I don’t have one.”

“Oh bullshit. Come on. We’ve both looked at the crew list on the website.” Alana points at Hailee. “We like Michael. But Bryce is cute, too.”

I shake my head and grin.

“You’re going tosea. That’s probably just going to be one big love boat. I hope they required everyone to get tested before boarding.”

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