Page 30 of Damaged

“Thank you for the cookies, Sophia. I’ll have your termination documents emailed over by midnight.”

She widens her eyes. And I almost know what she’s thinking—it turns out she was right about me all along.

Asshole. Billionaire. A man who cares about nothing but his own bottom line.

“Okay,” she says, agreeably. Again, there’s no anger to be found on her face or in her tone. Just sadness.

I don’t understand what it’s like to get fired. I’m sure it comes with a feeling of inadequacy. Inadequate is not what Sophia is, but I’m too busy wearing my armor to articulate that to her. She is just an employee, I remind myself. But my fingers tighten into fists.

Sophia stands and starts to walk out of the living room before she stops and turns. “You may think you’re different James, that you’re not like all the other dirty old bastards with a billion dollars, but just know the only thing separating you and them is a pretty face.”

She leaves before I have a chance to respond, not that I was planning on it. Based on the persona I’ve just shown her, she’s right.

I almost admire her for having the guts to speak her mind. In fact, not almost—I do admire her. She’s not a kiss-ass like Jessica or the majority of the people I’ve employed over the years.

That kind of personality is valuable. Someone who can call you out on a blind spot.

Am I really that afraid of my inability to not sleep with a woman that I fired her?

But I’m not being ridiculous. There’s a sexual tension between the two of us that won’t lead anywhere good.

She doesn’t understand that if we slept together, she’d be mine. And by the time I was done with her, she’d be a messy, blubbering mess who loved me with her whole heart. It’s not presumptuous of me to think this. It happens every time.

Lust turns to love. She’ll want to be owned for life.

But that is never an option.

I stand and go to the bar in the corner of the room. I bring down a bottle of scotch and fill a glass half full.

The burn and brain blur of liquor doesn’t do anything to cool the guilt I feel. I walk into my bedroom, where I know her apartment is below. She’s just feet away. A thin layer of concrete. But I know that she’ll never want to see me again.

In fact, the distance between us might as well be miles.

Sophia

I sleep in until ten a.m. Or at least I attempt to. My brain is so primed to wake up early that I’m already tossing and turning by eight. I wish I could just sleep like the dead, but even waking late is too much to ask for.

I feel dirty. Worthless. How could I be so naïve?

I brought Jamescookies.Maybe he wasn’t going to fire me before I did that. I thought I was being clever, but look what it got me.

I should never have thought he was anything but a cold and calculating businessman. And while I shouldn’t take him firing me personally, I can’t help it.

I feel defective. The blow is not about losing the job so much as it is losing my self-confidence. Maybe the world does belong to ass kissers like Jessica. The double-major, tri-lingual try-hards.

I shouldn’t hate. Jessica does work hard. I’ll give her that.

I do a lot of staring at the ceiling and consider my life options before getting out of bed.

I know a one-year severance sounds like a great deal. I can take six months off and start job hunting then. But I’m not making enough to save as it is, so I won’t be able to afford to travel. And then there’s the hourglass on my income.

Knowing it will run out is sure to give me anxiety that won’t let me read every book I’ve ever wanted to in peace.

There’s no big win here. It’s never simple. It always sucks. I’ll have to start job hunting now, and maybe if I can get another income to stack on my severance, I can retire one year earlier to my crazy cat lady cottage.

I finally drag myself out of bed and cloak my shoulders with my comforter. Steve trails close behind me, his tail ticklingmy legs as I walk. I put on a pot of coffee and call my friend Alana.

She has the pleasure of not working a nine-five. She’s a concert violinist, and her current orchestra doesn’t start rehearsals before noon.

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