Page 95 of The Dom with the Kink Monsters

After some legalese was thrown back and forth, a break was called and they went out to check on Spider while Bron went to walk with her lawyer to discuss something. She was backing out, Saya knew it. A knot had formed under her ribs and it was all she could do not to grab Spider up and hug him tight. Tears threatened. He didn’t need to see that.

“I’m going to the restroom. Stay with Uncle Mack, okay, buddy?

“Do you want me to come?” Winter rose, looking worried.

“No, no. I just need a minute.” She squeezed her hand and walked briskly down the hall and around the corner, looking for a ladies’ sign.

When she finally found it, she ducked inside, rifling through her handbag for a tissue. One appeared under her nose, attached to long, elegant fingers.

She accepted gratefully and looked up to find herself staring at Bronwyn. She was like Master’s female clone. Tall, but thin where Master was stocky. She could well have been a supermodel. With naturally blond hair, strong bone structure, and an imposing demeanor, it wasn’t hard to see how she did so well in business. It was difficult to believe she’d been a groupie more than a business woman only five years before. Master said she was a like a completely different person now. This was the kind of woman who called her kid Chet or some other rich kid name, not Spider. If this kind of woman ever lost focus long enough to breed.

“You love him, don’t you?” Bronwyn’s voice was cold.

“Who? Ma– Ramsay? Yes, of course!”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t care how you feel about my brother. I’m talking about my son. You’ve had him for six months and you haven’t left Ramsay yet, so I’m assuming you’re into this mothering thing.”

What could she say? If she came off too strong, Bronwyn could still pull the rug out from under their feet and take the boy back.

For that matter, the judge could decide they were unfit and give him to the State.

“Yes, I love him very much. He’s an awesome little guy. You’ve done a good job with him.”

Bronwyn’s derisive snort showed Saya that the cultured veneer only went so deep. “I’m a terrible mother, Saya. I pawned him off as much as the daycare would let me, and I’d pretend to work all sorts of extra hours. Having him seemed romantic when Jeremy was spending time with me, but when I got fat and he moved on to the next girl, I realized I’d made a mistake. It was too late by then.” She shrugged. “I know you think I’m a bitch but your opinion doesn’t mean shit to me. My only concern is that Spider gets the family he should have had, instead of a mother who’d rather do the career thing and not come home to laundry and a snotty nose.”

“Mothering isn’t for everyone. A lot of people don’t want kids.” She thought of Winter and the knot in her chest tightened again. If they were lucky enough to sign papers today, there was no saying what Winter would do. She kept hoping she’d come around, but her interest in Spider was vague, at best. “At least you figured it out.”

“Fat lot of good that does the kid. My boss and I are dating, and I’ve been having fun seeing Europe with him while we’ve been making deals over there, you know? It’s like being able to start over. Charles isn’t interested in being a step-father though. Spider is adeal-breaker for him.”

Deal-breaker. The exact same words Winter had used so many times. “So the kid you got saddled with is standing between you and what you want.”

Bronwyn winced. “That sounds a lot worse than the way it sounds in my head. For me, this is giving him a chance to have a real family, with kid-centered holidays and trips to the museum and the park. You seem like the motherly type.” She looked Saya up and down, and suddenly she felt frumpy beside the couture suit and coiffed hair Bronwyn wore like she’d been born to it.

People could only look down their noses at you if you let them.

“I’m not ashamed of being motherly.” She stood straighter, owning how she looked in the blouse and skirt she’d bought new at Target last week. Her life wasn’t fancy, but she wouldn’t trade what she had with Bronwyn’s power lunches and expensive hotels. “Ramsay and I love Spider very much. I don’t even know how to tell you. His fingerpaintings, his crazy stories, pushing him on the swings, tucking him in, the way he looks at me when I volunteer at the preschool or pick him up – I don’t know how I lived without him.” The tears started again, and Bronwyn’s expression softened.

She held up her hands in a warding gesture. “Okay, okay. I get it. None of those things have ever done anything much for me, and I doubt I ever pushed him on a swing. If I have I’ve never gotten that sappy look on my face when I did it.” She smiled sadly. “I wish I felt that way, but I just don’t.”

“Maybe you had postpartum and never bonded?”

“Maybe,” Bronwyn said, her voice quiet. “It doesn’t matter at this point. I’m glad he’s got you now. He’s a good kid. He deserves better than me.”

The pain there was hard for Saya to see. Her heart ached for this woman who’d borne the child she loved, and who looked so much like Ramsay. Without meaning to, she reached out and touched Bronwyn’s hand.

The woman pulled her into a hard hug, clinging to her for a moment as though she were drowning.

“I don’t judge you for this, Bronwyn, except to say that I think you’re brave for doing what’s best for him, even though it’s hard. We respect you and love you. You’re always welcome in our home if you want to come for visits.”

Bronwyn straightened and walked to the mirror, then dabbed irritably at her mascara. “I can do this. It’s best for Spider,” she said to her reflection. “Then everyone willbe happy.”

Guilt and anxiety hovered around the cautious optimism that Bronwyn would sign the paperwork. It had to be unbelievably difficult for Bronwyn to do this, even if parenting didn’t come naturally to her. It was so permanent, but permanence was what Spider needed, more than anything. Now she’d have to work hard to make sure that she and Ramsay deserved him.

Did people who had babies by birth feel like this? Did they look into the faces of the children who came into their lives and feel like maybe they just weren’t good enough people to raise them? Was that the secret to being a good parent, though, like any other love relationship? Taking people for granted was always trouble.

Bronwyn turned, nodded to her then looped an arm through hers. They walked back to the courtroom together.

Saya managed to hold it together until she and Ramsay tucked their son into bed that night, knowing that he was theirs forever.

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