Page 94 of The Dom with the Kink Monsters

“I guess kids change things.” Her heart sped up. The subject hadn’t been broached, although it seemed foremost in everyone’s mind.

“Yeah.”

A sick feeling twisted inside her. She’d have to be more direct, but she hated being direct.

She steeled herself and plunged on. “Winter, if she takes him away it’s going to kill me. I can’t let her –” She swallowed hard.

The silence that fell was tense.

“What do you mean?” Winter’s voice was tight, but whether it was from stress or anger was impossible to tell.

Saya rushed on. “You know how I feel about you. I don’t want things to end between us, but I want to be a mother – not in a million years when we’re rich and famous. Now. If she wants to take him, I’m going to do everything I can to fight her.” The last few words struggled to get out.

“So you’re saying that what I want for my life is irrelevant to you.”

“No! I care about what you want. Of course I do!” The stupid tears started to blur her vision and she wiped them away impatiently. She didn’t want Winter to think this was a guilt trip. It was just a fact. “I love you and Mack. Ramsay and I will be heartbroken if you guys split up with us, but Spider is our little boy now, and I won’t give him up to keep you.”

“Fuck.” Winter was on her feet and pacing the living room. “I fucking knew it. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“What do you want me to do? Choose you and kick him out the door? He’s my son. If it came down to it right now, I think I’d choose him over Ramsay!”

Winter rolled her eyes. “I was willing to leave this situation to chance and decide what to do once the chips fell, but now I’m getting the impression that even if she takes him away, you’re going to insist on having a baby as soon as possible.”

“That’s not true!”

“Your fucking clock is ticking so loud that I can hear it from here!” The bitter words came with a matching scowl. “This isn’t what I wanted out of life. I want music and sex andno big responsibilities outside of work. I’m too fucking selfish to raise a kid!”

“I sub to Ramsay, and you, and even Mack, but there are some things in my life that I care about too much to leave to other people.” She struggled to keep her voice even, although a buzzing hysteria was making her so tense she thought she would burst. “If we send him away to child services, he’ll go into a foster home. Then in a few years, if he’s lucky and not too damaged by being abandoned again, some family might adopt him. Maybe. He’s a boy and he’s almost school aged. Most adoptive families want babies or little girls, the social workers told me. I can’t live with the idea of him growing up unwanted in some stupid fucking group home – aging out – all because he wasn’t part of our plan. He’s not a vague idea about having kids down the road, he’s a little boy who needs me here and now. All the time he’s been with us, and you don’t care about him even a little? You’d drop him off at child services and not look back?”

Winter frowned hard and scrubbed a hand over her eyes. “Oh, please. This isn’t like whether or not I’m a cat person. He’s a human being, and he deserves to live with people who want him around.”

“Answer the question. Could you just walk away when you know he’ll be crying and wondering what he did wrong? He would never understand.”

For a moment Winter stared hard at the ceiling and her face got blotchy. She swallowed hard enough to see. “Fine. I get that you can’t do that to him. You’re a better person than I am. I never would have agreed to babysit in the first place. He’s a good kid, Saya, but this whole thing isn’t for me. I warned you about my limits,” she finished lamely.

Saya lost control of the tears and they spilled down her face. She ignored them. “You have a choice, Winter. Walk away if you want to.”

She strode from the room, leaving Winter looking torn and hurt. This argument was going nowhere. Her position was clear and Winter could take it or leave it. She wasn’t going to do the same thing Spider’s first mother had done, by choosing an affair over her own kid. Fuck that.

Determined to look strong, she marched up the stairs, only stumbling once. Hoping to God that when she came back down later their shit wouldn’t be packed and next to the door.

*

Although they’d told her a million times that she looked lovely, she stroked a handat her skirt, so different than the ones she wore on stage. The room was on the small side, and smelled like a library without having the added attraction of books. Instead, there was a dour man in robes sitting behind a raised desk. Who knew that courtrooms looked the same in real life as they did in movies?

Her fingers twisted nervously in her lap, and Master put a comforting hand on her knee. Behind them, she could almost feel the absence of Winter and Mack.

After the huge confrontation she’d had with Winter, she’d known the end was coming. Their bags, however, hadn’t been at the door afterward. It was like the discussion had never happened.

Instead of being gone from their lives, Mack and Winter were sitting in the hallway with Spider, keeping him busy while a stranger decided his fate.

Thank goodness they were done with all of the social workers. So many interviews. So much paperwork. Spider would have counselling for a while yet, though, if she had anything to say about it. He had a lot of nightmares about bad things happening to Alexandra, the cat he used to have.

At the other desk, Bronwyn sat with her lawyer, avoiding eye contact. In the hall, she’d said hello to Spider, but after an awkward hug, he’d bolted into his Uncle Ramsay’s arms. What had she expected? She hadn’t even called in months.

Honestly, Saya wanted to claw Bronwyn’s eyes out, but she was family.

All of the talking and rigmarole between Bronwyn’s lawyer and the judge was giving Saya a headache. They were just there to sign papers – couldn’t they just do it fast before something happened and Bronwyn changed her mind?

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