Page 71 of Saving You Losing Me

I’m shaking. I can’t believe we just sat in the room and talked for the first time in ten years. It wasn’t the conversation I wanted to have, but at least he spoke to me. My knees tremble and I sit on the bed as I come to terms with what that conversation did to me inside. It devastated me. Filled me with hope and chased away the pain of what I’ve just done. I would kill Michael one hundred times over merely to breathe the same air as Atom. That’s all I want. To be around him. Share his space and know he is okay.

I don’t deserve his help, his words, or his hospitality. But I’m grateful for it. He is right. The safest place for me and the girls is with him, as fucked up as that is. Not many men would do that, which demonstrates what I always knew. He is more of a man than Michael would have ever been.

I’m aware he won’t want to wait, so I head across to the mirror and hope Lucy doesn’t mind if I use some of her makeup. I’m telling myself it’s disguising the bruises, but really it’s to make myself more confident around Atom. I want him to forgive me, even though I don’t deserve it. I would settle for that despite the fact I want more and always have. I gave up on the rightwhen I chose Michael. I accept that, but if living with him reveals what a bad decision it was, I must suck it up and pay the price.

It has occurred to me that Atom may already be with a woman he calls his. To watch them together will be hell on earth and nothing more than I deserve.

He won’t forgive me, but I can live with that as long as he’s happy. At least it would give my decision meaning.

A knock on the door makes me jump.

“Clara, it’s Lucy. Can I come in?”

“Yes.”

As she pushes in through the door, I smile apologetically. “I hope you don’t mind me using this, Lucy. I need to try to look as normal as possible, even though I doubt I’ll ever feel normal again.”

“Of course, be my guest. I’ll find you some fresh clothes as well. I think the ones you came in are only fit for the garbage.”

“Thanks, Lucy. I don’t deserve your kindness.”

She says with a firm smile., “Yes, you do. You deserve more than a few lousy clothes and makeup. Like I said before, you’re not on your own anymore.”

She rummages through her closet and asks, “What happened with Atom?”

“We talked, but it was hard. I wanted to say so much, but he was so cold. I don’t blame him, really; I deserve his anger. Why should he help me when I turned my back on him years ago?”

“He is, though, isn’t he? … I mean, helping you?”

“He said I could stay until the money comes through. The club will keep both me and the girls safe and, when I’m sorted, we can leave.”

“That’s good… isn’t it?”

A lone tear escapes that I brush quickly away before smiling bravely. “It’s more than I thought I’d get. Yes, it’s a good thing. Iexpect it will be hard though. The club won’t like us being there, and I’m not expecting an easy ride.”

“So stay here. You and girls can live here. I’ll be heading out of town for a while, and Sydney’s not expected back soon. If she does return, she won’t mind you being here. There are two bedrooms, so more than enough space for the three of you. You don’t have to rely on handouts from Atom. There is a choice.”

If only I could.

“There’s no other choice. Emilio is still out there and won’t waste any time re-grouping and going after Michael’s business. As his wife, I will now own those businesses and the last thing I want is Emilio putting pressure on me to hand over something I don’t want, anyway. The trouble is, I must provide for my girl’s future, so will need to do this properly. Atom will keep the wolves at bay while I figure things out. I’m sure it’ll be fine. He said I can stay and won’t need to get involved with the club and the girls will be safe. That’s better than doing this alone, so thanks for the offer, but I’ll pass.”

Lucy says with a slight hesitation. “What about today? Have you dealt with that yet? What will you tell the girls?”

I shiver. “I can’t think about that yet. I’m not sure what I’m going to tell the girls. I can’t even wrap my own head around it.”

We are interrupted by a sharp knock and Jet says loudly, “Atom needs to leave. Sorry Clara, are you ready?”

I catch Lucy’s eye and she smiles her encouragement as I say loudly, “Sure, I’ll be right out.”

As I make to leave, Lucy presses a key in my hand and says softly, “If things get too much, this place is yours.”

I’m overwhelmed by her generosity. “Thank you, Lucy. I will never forget your kindness.”

She merely smiles and hugs me hard, whispering, “Good luck, Clara. I hope everything works out.”

I choke on all the words I really want to say and as we head into the room, Atom is waiting with a face like thunder and my heart sinks. He hates every second of this and probably wishes he could return the favor and turn his back and walk away from me without a backward glance. It’s nothing I don’t deserve but instead he nods toward the door and as I say my goodbyes, I follow him outside, wondering what the hell happens next.

CHAPTER 38

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