Page 19 of Saving You Losing Me

Again I say nothing because Tanya chats shit and she always has. It’s why I tell her nothing about my life and merely inform her when it concerns her.

She drains the coffee and makes to leave and I say firmly after her, “Tidy up after yourself. I ain’t nobody’s maid.”

“Then leave it. This place is a slum, anyway.”

“This place is our home, Tanya, previously our grandparents and you will treat it with respect.”

“Fuck off, Atom, I’m too wasted for a lecture. Save it for someone who cares.”

She flounces off and I don’t have the energy to press home my point. Where it concerns my sister, my words would fall on deaf ears, anyway. When we move to The Darkside, Tanya will unfortunately follow because despite my hatred of her, I promised my grandparents I would always provide for her and look out for her best interests.

I never realized what a cross that is to bear, and as I drain the coffee, my earlier good mood vanishes along with the last dregs.

Tanya works at Singles most nights and judging from the vacant expression in her eyes, she injects her wages directly into her veins. It’s a problem I am ill-equipped to deal with.

I tried to help her and to do the right thing. When I found out she was using, I staged an intervention and paid for rehab.

She lasted one day.

It’s not nice knowing your sister is a whore, but she is. She has been for some time and the men she hangs with aren’t the kind of men to upset. Big shots mainly with more money than sense. Respectable on the outside, hiding a depraved soul that is unleashed within the seedy walls of the Single’s bar.

If it wasn’t for the promise I made to my grandparents, I would have turned my back on Tanya years ago because she doesn’t require saving. She loves her life and, as addicts go, she uses it to her advantage and plays the system. She is conniving, cruel and manipulative and the men she meets don’t realize that. Sometimes the enemy is in disguise and Tanya is a master of cunning and discovers their weakness even before they knew they had one.

One day it will all come back to bite her, but for now she is living her best life and earning more money than she would atthe corner store or the diner. Tanya is no fool and I would be unwise to treat her like one, so I bide my time and wait for her to make her own mistakes, knowing I’m the idiot who will always be there to help her with them.

I head out to my meeting at the bank. Today I sign the mortgage agreement on The Darkside and place this house up as collateral. It’s my intention to sell up and reduce the loan, hoping to be mortgage free within five years.

More than anything, I want to make a secure living for me and my club and realize I must adopt a business brain for that to happen. As I stare around at the familiar space, many memories crowd around me and my heart sinks. Perhaps there is another way to preserve them.

Selling up feels like a betrayal, but how can I keep this house and why do I want to? It’s run down, decrepit and far too small, but is the only place I have ever experienced love. I owe that to my grandparents, who compensated for my parent’s shortcomings in that department.

Sighing, I glance around and wonder if it’s time to let go of the past and keep it inside. Memories have no physical place. They’re inside my heart and that is probably the best place for them.

Easy Joes is busy.When I push through the doors, it takes me a moment to find her. It’s become a game with me ever since she started working here. She is the first person I search for in a crowded room and my heart settles when she is in my line of vision.

I hate her working here.

Clara is an attractive woman, probably the most attractive one in this town, and is a target for any guy. She has always maintained her cool and has an invisible shield that warns not to approach. It’s that cool disinterest I admire and respect, but she is way better than that. Underneath, she is passionate, warm and desperate to be loved and if I get my way, that man will only ever be me.

I suppose I recognized her pain from watching her from afar because I am the same. I understand her and, far from being the ice queen, she is hiding a hot center that burns brightly inside.

She turns and catches my eye and the smile that lights her face causes my heart to swell. Fuck, how did I get so lucky?

“Atom.” she whispers as she reaches me and I resist the urge to pull her straight into my arms.

“Clara.” I wink as she giggles and points to the table by the window where a couple of the guys are already waiting.

“Your friends are here already.”

“What time does your shift end?”

“In two hours.” Her eyes are bright and her lower lip quivers and I swear if I don’t have her soon, I’m liable to explode.

“Then I’ll wait.” I wink and head over to the guys. We have business to discuss and two hours will be spent wisely .

“Hey man, how did it go?”Diesel shifts up as I slide in beside him.

“Good. The money should come through by the end of the week and Fitzgerald wants to be out by the end of the month.”

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