Page 51 of Forged

Bax melted as heat infused him. Nick had become such a good kisser.

At the same time, the tension of what he wanted and reality pulled hard within him. The guilt he felt was crushing. Nick was trying so hard and here he was, grumbling and complaining because he couldn’t have the man he loved more and more with every passing day all to himself.

“So what do you think?” Nick asked when he ended their kiss and pulled back. He reached for the book again. “Should we plan for a whole Ostara celebration with the entire Hawthorne family? You could lead the ritual part of it, like you did with Imbolc.”

Bax smiled. “Yeah, let’s go for it,” he said. “I love all these ideas, flowers, planting, and all. And maybe once the kids have gone to bed and we’ve had our bath, we could dive deep into some fertility rituals as well.” He wiggled his eyebrows for good measure.

Nick laughed and leaned in to steal another kiss. “You’re on,” he said. “I’m going to go see if there’s a good spot to make a garden. I’ll see you later for supper.”

Bax leaned toward him, hoping for another kiss as Nick turned to go, but Nick was too absorbed in his thoughts to see what he wanted.

It felt a little too on the nose for Bax. His smile dropped and all the uncertainty that he thought he’d just chased away sank back on him.

He could do this. Really, he could. He could learn to set aside the intensity of his wants and needs, and he could learn to be a better man for Nick.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, shattering his confidence in those thoughts. His stomach dropped even farther as he held his phone up and saw an incoming message from Callum with a link to the Surrey and Kent LGBTQ Small Business Association. The text came complete with a set of emojis of bunnies, Easter eggs, flowers, and a single heart. The invitation there was clear.

Bax shoved his phone back in his pocket without answering the message. He grabbed his now cool tea and chucked the lot of it into the sink before slamming the button on the kettle to heat it again a little too hard.

He couldn’t do this. Love shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t mean sacrificing everything he was and wanted to be. The things that he wanted mattered, too.

SIXTEEN

Nick had never looked forwardto a holiday as much as he looked forward to Ostara. Not even Christmas when he was a kid.

Well, maybe Christmas when he was a kid, because he’d been a kid and it was Christmas.

This particular Ostara felt like it carried all the significance of every Christmas he’d ever celebrated and a few Easters as well. He was happy, his life was heading in a direction that he liked, but he could feel that it was all hanging by the thinnest of threads.

Bax was restless. He wasn’t used to dating someone with so many other responsibilities. Nick knew it and felt it like a sunburn that he couldn’t get rid of, because the sun just kept shining.

He craved the sun. He wanted a relationship with Bax almost as much as he’d wanted one with Raina. He’d loved Raina with his whole heart, and it felt a little weird to love again, but he was definitely in love. And this time, he hadn’t let love come to him, he was doing absolutely everything he could think of to reach for it and keep it.

“Do we have everything we need for the egg hunt tomorrow?” Nick asked as he and Bax gathered everything they would need for the more ritualistic part of the Ostara celebrations that they’d do that night, on actual Ostara. The fun stuff for the kids would mostly take place the next day, during daylight hours.

“I have the dye right here,” Bax said, holding up the package of commercial stuff they’d picked up at Sainsbury’s on their last trip. “And all the stickers you bought for the kids are on the table there.”

Nick glanced at the table in the lounge. They were in his flat, since it was easier to keep the kids entertained with their own toys. For once, Jordan and Macy were in a good mood and perfectly happy to entertain themselves on the floor in front of the telly, although the telly was turned off and music was playing instead.

“Good, good,” Bax said as he crossed to the fridge to fetch the platter of snacks he’d prepared earlier in the day, while Nick was still teaching his afternoon class. “The table is already down in the garden?” he asked as he and Nick crossed paths in their buzz of activity.

Nick went to the fridge to fetch box drinks to tide the kids over until the ceremony gave them something to focus on. “Your altar is all set up and ready to go,” he said, turning back to Bax with a wink.

He’d never been the least bit interested in religion until Bax had come along. He’d never been interested in a lot of things until Bax. There was something fun and satisfying about preparing for a ritual that would celebrate a power higher than him, though. If that meant sticking an old table in the garden, draping it with a pink cloth, covering it with flowers, a small brazier, a chalice, and some other things that he still wasn’t sure of the use for, and calling it an altar, then he was all for it.

“The rest of the family will be down to join us as soon as they’re finished with their classes and what not,” Nick added as he headed back into the lounge to give the box drinks to his kids. It wasn’t really time for a snack, but if he gave them something now, they’d be less likely to fuss when the adults were trying to concentrate for Bax’s ritual.

He smiled to himself as he straightened after handing over the treat. It was a small thing, but the fact that he was trying to think like an adult and make the Ostara experience as close to what Bax needed as he could felt like progress to him. He was too well aware that he fell short of what Bax wanted in so many ways. Every time one of the kids cried or asked for his attention when he was trying to give Bax what he needed made him ache with regret and anxiety.

He lost his smile.

He shouldn’t be putting his kids aside for a romantic partner.

Bax might leave him if he lost patience with the kids.

He was shortchanging himself by letting his babies get between him and an adult relationship.

He couldn’t be what everybody needed all the time without losing his mind.

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