Page 75 of Always

“And did you grow used to her scarring?”

“Yes, within days. She was still Mom.”

“Then what are you blaming yourself for?”

I rub my chin. “She was never the same.”

“Wasn’t she? You were six, Braden. Are you sure you’re remembering right?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m not sure. I’ve been around and around on this with my therapist.”

“Have you considered that you weren’t the problem? Maybe your father was. The fire was his fault, after all.”

I nod slightly.

I know. My therapist and I have been through this. I know. Butit still haunts me, how I feel I rejected my mother when she came home.

“She and my dad were never the same after that, either,” I continue. “She had to stay with him. She had nowhere else to go, plus she had Ben and me.”

“Did she love your dad?”

“In her way, yeah, I think she did. But…things were never the same.”

“How so?”

I chuckle. “In some ways, things were better. Dad stopped drinking, but he had trouble finding work for a while. We lived in a mobile home rental, and we could barely afford that. So we went on government assistance, which my mom and dad both hated.”

She listens intently.

I can see her thinking. Her brain working. How this is where my need for control over my life and others’ was born.

And she’s not wrong, though it’s not quite that simple.

“What eventually happened to your mom?” she asks hesitantly.

“She died.”

“I know that much.”

“I don’t like to think about it,” I say. “I still feel somewhat responsible.”

“You’re not.”

“There are things you don’t know. Things no one knows. You can say the words. I can even believe them. But none of it changes anything.”

She snuggles against my chest and gives me a hug.

“Stop, Braden. Don’t go any further. I don’t want you to hurt.”

I kiss the top of her head. “You’re sweet. So sweet and amazing. You’re giving me an out that I never gave you.”

“You did. You said you’d give me the time I needed. I just didn’t need as much time.”

“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you,” I say. “But if I figure it out, I’ll do it again a million different times.”

“You don’t have to.” She kisses the top of my hand. “You already have me.”

“And you have me,” I say, “though sometimes I wonder why anyone would want me.”

---