Page 48 of Loving Decker

She held open the door. “I can’t believe this.” He had won Grumby at a state fair carnival game, and Deck carried him around for her the whole night. But when she’d brought Grumby home, her dogs had freaked out and started to tear him to pieces. So Decker had picked him back up and told her he would take good care of the bear. They hadn’t really talked about it much since. “I really can’t believe you still have that bear.”

“I couldn’t throw it away. The others made fun of me, but he’s been carefully wrapped in the attic all this time.”

She nodded. “Wow.”

“You okay?” He stepped closer, looking into her face.

“Not really.” She sighed. “Deck, I gotta go see Grandpa.” Her mouth quivered. “What if it’s time to say goodbye?”

He nodded. This time he didn’t argue. He didn’t try to stop the hard thing. He just listened. “I’m sorry. Are you going to see him right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Want company?”

“Yeah.”

He held open the door and they both climbed into his truck.

“Thanks, Deck.”

“Hey, any time. I want you to know you’re not alone. Anything, all of the things, whatever you need, I’m here. All the Dawsons are here.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m just so sorry there was ever a minute or a second of your life that you didn’t know that. You’re important to me, Faith, now more than ever.” He cradled her hand in his while they drove. “I’m here.”

Tears filled her eyes, and she let them fall. She had a feeling it was going to be that kind of day. She squeezed his hand and then just concentrated on her breathing. Had Grandpa been trying to tell her something in her dreams?

“I think I dreamed about the time Grandpa dropped me off that first year in the dorms.”

“Man, he missed you. I even saw him out riding your horse after you were gone.”

Faith smiled. “Such a sweet man. I’ve been blessed beyond measure in so many ways.”

“I wish everyone could be like you. Your faith, your love, your hope.”

She just shook her head, unsure how to respond.

“Tell me more about your dream.”

“Well, he walked me up to the front door of the dorms, and then they told him he couldn’t come down the hallway because it was a girls’ dorm. And so he just said, ‘I’ll close my eyes when it matters,’ and walked right on through.” She laughed. “He was awesome.”

“And no one’s about to tell your grandpa no.”

“No, they wouldn’t.” She smiled. “Then he helped load my stuff in the room, and when he turned to me in the dream, it changed. I was no longer remembering. It was new. Or something.” She tried so hard to remember. “I wish I could relive it again. But he looked at me with so much love, so much.”

A small sob shook her throat, but she kept talking. “He said, ‘Goodbye Faithy. It’s okay to let an old man go, so you can grow.’ ” She leaned her head back. “But that’s different from what he really said that day. He talked about the growing thing, but he didn’t say it like that, and…” She breathed in and out, trying to loosen the tightness in her chest. “And I just wonder if he’s trying to tell me something.”

Decker was quiet for a long time, and Faith didn’t have anything else to say. So they arrived at the hospital and parked before the silence between them was broken. “I think that dream is real special. I don’t know for sure what it means about your grandpa. But I don’t think you need to be afraid of this. You can decide whatever you want here. And God will be with you. Don’t be afraid. You aren’t God. He doesn’t expect you to be.”

She nodded. “I’m not God.” That felt like an odd thing to say, but for some reason it was comforting. They made their way up to the third floor, where Grandpa’s room was. The nurses were cheerful and smiled. One of them winked and held up her hand, pointing out that Faith and Decker were holding hands. Faith smiled and nodded. But what were they, really? Decker had been holding her hand for years. She couldn’t think about that right now.

They entered the room, and out of habit she immediately listened for the sounds of his vitals. “No! Are they off?” She didn’t hear anything, so she rushed to the monitors, but everything looked fine.

“The sound is turned down.” Decker moved closer. “Here, let’s turn it up.” He adjusted the sound, and she heard evidence of his heart again.

Then she stood next to him, staring into his peaceful face. “I love coming here.”

---