I lean against the railing beside her, close enough to feel the warmth of her presence but not enough to crowd her. “Look, I’m not good at this,” I admit, my voice rough. “I’m not good with people, with emotions, with…anything that isn’t control. And you?—”
I pause, the words catching in my throat. “You make me lose control, Alice.”
That gets her attention. She lowers her hands slowly, though her gaze remains fixed on the horizon. “I wasn’t trying to,” she says softly, her voice trembling.
“I know,” I reply, my tone earnest. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I don’t know how to handle you, Alice. And I hate that I hurt you.”
Her shoulders relax slightly, but she still doesn’t look at me. I take a deep breath, deciding to risk everything. “You’ve turnedmy world upside down,” I say, my voice low. “From the moment you walked into this house, nothing’s been the same. And I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Her head turns, just slightly, and I catch the glimmer of her eyes as she finally looks at me.
“I thought you hated me,” she says quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Hate you?” I shake my head, my chest tightening. “No, Alice. I could never hate you. I just…don’t know how to handle what you make me feel.”
“Ivan…” she starts, reaching for me, but she pulls back at the last second. All I want to do is close the distance between us.
“It’s difficult for me to open up,” I admit, my voice quieter than usual. The admission feels foreign, like it’s coming from someone else entirely. I don’t do this. I don’t let people in. But with Alice, it feels inevitable, like trying to hold back a tide that’s already risen too high.
She looks at me, her green eyes searching. “Why is it difficult for you?”
I glance away, gripping the balcony railing.
“It just is. It’s how I was raised, how I’ve survived. Showing weakness…it wasn’t an option.”
Alice nods, not pushing further, but her silence invites me to keep talking.
“It’s not just that, though,” I continue, almost surprising myself. “I’ve seen what happens when you let people get too close. When you care too much. You lose them. Or worse, they lose you.”
Her brows knit together, and she hesitates before asking, “Is that what happened with Elena?”
“Yes,” I say simply.
Alice leans against the railing, her head tilted slightly. “How…how did she die? I heard it was an accident, but—” She stops, gazing at me.
I know she doesn’t have bad intentions; this isn’t gossip for her, she simply wants to know.
“It was a car accident,” I say. “She was on her way to visit her parents. It was late, and the roads were icy and she lost control. By the time I got the call, she was already gone.”
Alice’s hand covers her mouth, her eyes wide with sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Ivan.”
I nod, swallowing hard. “She didn’t deserve it. She was…good. Kind. She deserved better.”
“You really loved her, didn’t you?” Alice asks softly.
I don’t answer immediately. Instead, my mind drifts back to Elena. She was everything I thought I wanted, everything I thought I should want.
But there was always something missing.
No matter how hard I tried to love her—and Ididtry—there was a distance between us I could never close. She was kind, yes, but she always seemed distracted, like her mind was somewhere else, somewhere I couldn’t reach. I told myself it was just her nature, that she was private, reserved. But deep down, I always knew it was more than that.
I never asked her about it. I never pushed. I thought that if I gave her time, gave her space, she’d come to me. That we’d find each other in the way we were supposed to.
But we never did.
And then she was gone, and all I was left with were questions I’d never get answers to.
I pull myself back to the present, forcing those thoughts away. Alice is still watching me, her expression soft but expectant, waiting for my answer.