Page 136 of Giddy Up, Daddy

“And true.” Sadie jumps to her feet and grabs my hand. I don’t even have it in me to fight with her, so I let her pull me to the bathroom, and sit on the toilet lid while she fills my garden tub with water and adds some of my fancy bubble bath from back home. I eye it suspiciously, but the truth is, I long for a nice relaxing soak. I’ve been craving one for days, but there was a part of me, a big part, that told myself I didn’t deserve it. The other parts didn’t have the energy to argue.

“I can draw my own bath, Sadie,” I say, even though I’m secretly pleased she’s come to save me from myself.

“Yeah, current evidence suggests otherwise.” She rolls her eyes and shuts off the water, then points at the tub, which is nowcovered with bubbles and has steam rising up from it. “In. Soak for at least an hour and clean yourself up. And then we’ll talk.”

“I’m good. I appreciate you, and this, really, but you can go home.” I stand, but make no move to undress.

Sadie glares at me. “Shut up.” And before I can think of a comeback, she closes the door and leaves me alone.

The bath is really nice, and the sweet gesture combined with my already turbulent emotions means I sit in there and have a good cry, but when I finally come out, dressed in fresh pajamas over an hour later, Sadie is in my kitchen, pulling takeout containers out of a plastic bag.

The table is set for two, and there's a bottle of my favorite wine in the center of the table. I grab for it and examine the label. It's the real thing. “Wow,” I marvel, “I didn’t even think you could get this here.”

Elle grins. “You can’t. I special-ordered it two days ago.”

She’s already opened it to let it breathe and I grab it and pour it into a waiting wineglass, until it's nearly full to the top. The scent tickles my nostrils and brings back memories and feelings of home. And somehow, just the scent of the wine and the sight of Sadie in my kitchen makes me feel loads better.

“Thank you. I really needed that.” I pull her into an impromptu hug.

“You’re welcome.” She pulls back, holds me by the shoulders and smiles. “I know you would have done the same for me. Now sit, and eat. And tell me everything.”

I sigh, take a sip of wine, and plop into a wooden chair that still needs a pad when I get around to it. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my brain, and though I love her, there’s a tiny part of me that’s still mad at her.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the throuples? That it’s like a thing here.”

She glares at me. “I tried to tell you about Bo, but you didn’t want to hear it. And I don’t see why it’s a big deal, enough for you to hide out in your house like a freaking hermit and not take care of yourself.”

I ignore the implied question and continue pouting. “Are there any single men here that aren’t part of a throuple? Or did you get the only one?”

Sadie narrows her eyes suspiciously, then shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s not like I was around surveying men.” She mimics holding a microphone and speaking into it. “Excuse me, Sir. Can I ask: Are you bisexual? Do you have a boyfriend and are you looking to be part of a throuple?” She rolls her eyes. “Get real.”

I dig into the salmon she’s set in front of me. It’s as good as the first time I had it, but even it’s tainted by the memories of what I can’t have. Tears well in my eyes and I laugh pathetically at myself. “I can’t believe I’m crying about salmon,” I scoff, picking it apart with my fork.

Sadie grabs my arm. “You’re crying about salmon?” she repeats incredulously. “Okay, Elle, what is going on? And tell meeverything.”

It feels good to not be the only one having to hear my crazy thoughts and memories, so I do. I tell her the whole damn story, starting with my dad’s threat and ending with them talking about forever and me leaving. Every goddamned detail.

“Whoa,” she says when I finally finish. “Elle, I had no idea. I thought you were mad because you hadn’t realized there were two of them, and that I hadn’t told you. I had no idea you were dealing with—” She waves her arm around. “All this.”

“Yeah.” I sniffle, and take a bite of salmon. With the saltiness of my tears on my lips and the lump in my throat, it now tastes a bit like sawdust. “So… I think I need to leave Blue River, but I don't know where to go. I can't go back to New York. Not yet. Not like this.”

“So why go anywhere? You’ve got a pretty good setup here. I get that it's no upper-east-side penthouse, but they are paying you to live here.”

“If they don’t revoke the offer because I skipped my job interview.”

Sadie sighs. “Oh, Elle. Why would you do that?”

I shrug, but the tears are already flowing again. “Because, Sadie, I’m going to suck at it. I’m not cut out for anything. I wasn’t raised to have a job, or even a career. I was raised to host parties, lunch with socialites, and keep a husband happy. Whatever job they give me, I’m gonna suck at, and I just don’t think I can take that right now.”

Sadie growls. She actually growls, and jumps up from her chair, pacing in front of the table. “That’s bullshit,” she cries. “I’m sorry, Elle. I’m so sorry that you were raised to think so little of yourself, but you are not useless, and you will not fuck everything up. And as far as this whole trust thing goes, just… fuck your dad. Seriously, fuck him.” She stops pacing and crosses her arms over her chest. “Don’t you just… don’t you want to show him you don’t need his fucking money or his stupid expectations?”

“I can’t,” I say, and although her words give me a glimmer of hope, I really don’t have any. “I am who I am. It’s too late to be anyone else. I like nice things and I don’t know who I am aside from who I was told to be.”

“That’s bullshit.” She grabs my arms and hauls me out of my chair, into the living room and over to a huge framed mirror I’ve hung on the wall. It’s my favorite item in the whole apartment. She stands me in front of it, and goes behind me. Gripping my shoulders, she gives me a little shake. “You don’t know who you are?” she yells. “Well then, listen the fuck up, because I do. You are Elle Cordelia freaking Winston. You are beautiful inside and out. You are smart, and funny, and compassionate, and you cando or be any damn thing you set your mind to. And fuck anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.”

Her speech makes me smile, and I chuckle lightly. At least I’ve got her. But I don’t really believe it.

“Say it. Say it loud.”

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