Page 117 of The Truths We Burn

No one was ever with me because I was Sage.

No one was ever friends with me because I was Sage.

They were involved with me for my status, for my name, my money.

And here I am, with none of those things, and these two girls are choosing to be my friends anyway. Despite what being close to me will cause people to say about them.

Someone is choosing me for me.

They see me the same way Rosemary always did—as the girl who was more than her reputation.

“You said you broughtSixteen Candles?” I ask gently.

Briar smiles. “AndCan’t Buy Me Love!”

We decide that moving down the hall to their room would be better, considering my roommate could walk in at any time and try to kick us out. But I do something I don’t ever do—I let them in.

I let them be there for me in their own way.

Together, we move Briar and Lyra’s beds together, shift the TV to the middle of the room, and crack a window. All of us pile up on the mattresses, turn the first movie on, and light Rook’s stolen blunt.

I haven’t smoked since the last time I hung out with Rook, which was more than a year ago. The effects of the weed hit me strongly. I eat more food than I have in months, and God, I laugh.

Real laughter that I haven’t experienced since I was very little.

We laugh because Lyra is that philosophical person when she is stoned. She talks about bugs, of course, about how their lives affect our day-to-day existence, which turns into the creation of human life and religion.

I find out so much about both of them in these moments.

The way they see the world, how they feel about certain issues, their passions.

It feels odd having a day like this. How amongst all this darkness and chaos, we’re able to create something good and light.

There are times when the guilt would attack me, trying to rear its ugly head.

How could you enjoy this day? When you know everything it represents?

But I try to think of Rosemary, how she wouldn’t want me to be depressed in my room alone. I think about what she wanted for me in life, that she would want me to be happy even if it’s without her.

I think about how I would feel if the roles were reversed.

I wouldn’t want her to suffer. I would want her to experience joy, laughter, love, even on the day I died.

“So listen,” Briar announces, rolling onto her stomach and popping a piece of chocolate into her mouth. “You don’t have to tell me, but I really gotta know. What’s up with you and Van Doren?”

I’m high, and the last person in the world I want to think of right now is him.

I swallow the mouthful of Skittles I have, glancing over at her nonchalantly.“What do you mean?”

She raises both eyebrows at me. “I was born at night, but not last night, Sage.”

“That little pep talk he gave you in the backseat after the Gauntlet seemed pretty heated from what I could tell,” Lyra adds, twirling the stem of her cherry around in the air.

“He was just—” I pause. “He was just getting me away from Silas. I said some fucked-up things to him. If it hadn’t been Rook to do it, it would’ve been Alistair or Thatcher.”

I don’t want to lie to them about him, but what would I tell them? I have no words to describe what Rook and I were. I’ve never spoken about us out loud to anyone, and I wouldn’t even know how to start.

They look at each other for a moment before Briar speaks up.

---