Page 123 of Death of the Author

The truth was, they’d never truly understand her and her ways. Not really. Maybe her father would have, but he was gone. Even Msizi, who knew what she wanted and loved her for it, wouldn’t ever fully understand. The difference now was that instead of fighting these facts and trying to explain, and explain, and explain, she could let all this be.

When Zelu stepped into the frigid night air, closing the door behind her, she quietly thanked her father. “I know that was you,” she whispered. She inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly. “Clarity.” She started walking. It was cold, but she was so warmed on the inside, it didn’t matter. She felt thin, light, transparent, like she could shed her exos and fly. She brought out her phone and asked Yebo to call the autonomous vehicle. It came within ten minutes and drove her home.

When she stepped into her condo, all the lights were off. Msizi had flown to LA on a business trip. He’d be back in two days. She went to her chair and sat down, removed her exos, and plugged them in. She wheeled to her room. As she entered, she paused, frowning. Closing her eyes and taking deep breaths, she sat very, very still. She stayed like this in the doorway, eyes closed, motionless as she could be. She was looking deep into her body, scanning especially her abdomen. Minutes passed. When she opened her eyes, she wasn’t sure how she was sure, but she was sure. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said out loud.Maybe that’s why the jollof rice and plantain tasted like Technicolor ambrosia.

In the morning, she went to Walgreens. As soon as she got home, she took the pregnancy test. After five minutes, she looked at it. The result wasnegative. At this, she merely rolled her eyes and kissed her teeth. “I’m not out of the woods, just can’t see them yet,” she muttered, throwing the test away and covering it with other trash so Msizi wouldn’t see it. Some things you just knew. She put it out of her head, because that was all she could do for the time being.

Three weeks later, only a few days before the launch, she took another test. This one was positive. She was forty years old and pregnant. The feeling, though she’d never felt it before, was unmistakable. Some things you just know. She told no one. Not even Msizi.

No one was going to keep her from going to space.

She was leaving the Earth today.

She slowly opened her crusty eyes. Then the need to urinate hit her hard and she pushed herself up. She glanced at Msizi and was glad he was still asleep. This was going to be tricky. She took a deep breath and tried not to think about the dangers of the launch, all that could go wrong, all that she’d be leaving behind... and all that she’d be taking with her.

She went to the bathroom to relieve herself. Afterward, she stared in the mirror. Tears fell from her eyes, but she felt okay. She felt more than okay. She looked down at her belly and rubbed it, giggling. “We’re going to space,” she whispered.

“You all right?” she heard Msizi ask from the bedroom.

“I’m great,” she said. “You?”

“I’m terrified.” He was going to stay all five days in the hotel, waiting for her. She felt a pang of guilt.

“Am I really going to do this?” she asked her reflection.

Msizi only sighed. He still wasn’t fully on board, but he was trying. “You called everyone?”

She laughed. “Why? Because I might die?”

“Stop it, Zelu.”

“Well, it’s true. I’ve made peace with it. You need to, too.”

He was silent.

“Msizi,” she said.

Still no response.

She went into the bedroom. He’d buried himself entirely under the blanket. She poked the outline of his head, and he curled into a ball to hide himself.

“I just hate when you talk like that,” he said.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” But it didn’t stop her from dwelling on the dark fantasy of never returning to Earth. Maybe it was the pregnancy rewiring her brain, but the idea didn’t sadden her. It excited her.

“Good,” Msizi said.

49

Sunset

The Trippers were almost here. We only had three days.

The other generals hadn’t forgotten my interrogation and what Koro Koro’s application had caught. I was even scanned for Ghosts before the meeting. They found nothing, and I made a show of this fact. The reason there was time for the generals to confront me was because we were all waiting on Oga Chukwu to come out of a very exclusive meeting. Shay had started to tell me about it just as I was pulled aside to be scanned. When I rejoined Shay in the circle, she filled me in.

“Have they finished with you?” she asked.

“There was nothing to start,” I said. “What’s all this?”

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