Page 53 of Taking Chances

Being faithful was never a problem to me. In fact, any time I was in any type of friends with benefits situation, I was content being exclusive. The emotion part is where I’m blocking.

“When it comes to protection, I got tested after Bryce. Though a big part of me believed he didn’t cheat, another nagging part was telling me the opposite. And I’m on the pill.”

I nod. “I get tested regularly. I can email you my results. But we can still use condoms for your comfort, of course.”

“I think”—her fingers fidget in her lap—“I would prefer to go without. I’ve never tried it.”

Fuck, now I’m thinking about sliding into her wet heat. Bare. Swallowing, I continue, “We should also talk about your limits and wishes.”

“Limits?”

“Yes. What are you interested in and what’s a definite ‘no’ for you.”

“Oh. I kind of thought we would just…” her voice trails off, “do it.”

“Sorry, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. You said you wanted to explore which can mean a million of different things. In kink communities”—I slightly cough—“consent is the top priority. We go over everything in advance to make sure both parties are consenting to everything that happens. I think we should do the same.” I motion between us. “I actually have one of the kink checklists here, but I think it’s a bit too advanced for what we’re doing here.”

Taking a longer sip of wine, she asks, “Can I see it? The checklist.”

“Erm... I guess.” I walk up to the TV cabinet and grab the form from the first drawer. “But just so you know, none of these things are something that we need to do. Most of these terms will probably be unfamiliar to you.”

She takes the A4 piece of paper I got from L&L and skims her eyes over it. Her eyes widen with recognition.

“You”—she swallows—“do these things?”

“Some of them. But like I said, we don’t have to do any of them. Most people don’t.”

She nods. “So whatdidyou have in mind?”

“I think the first step is for you to figure out your desires. And the path to that is”—another cough—“masturbation.” Her eyes widen again, this time with panic as she rushes to down her wine. I don’t know why I’m weird about this, taking about wants and limits is a prerequisite of almost every encounter in the clubs I frequent. But Anne… Anne is pure and inexperienced, and she must be terrified. The least I can do is be awkward, as well. “So, how do you typically masturbate? What do you use?”

“Use?” she stutters. She’s caught off guard, her neck breaking out in hives.

“Yeah, use. Like toys, or porn, or whatever.”

“Oh. I don’t have any toys. I rarely do it, anyway.” She shakes her head. “It’s embarrassing.”

“What is?”

“It’s embarrassing todo it,” she whispers. “It’s like, you are so unappealing that you can’t find someone to do those things to you, so you need to do it yourself.”

“Sorry, but that is a load of bullshit.” She stares at me, blinking rapidly. “I mean it. That isyourbody and you’re the most important person to love it and to bring it pleasure. Even when you do have someone to fulfill those needs, your body still needs the self-love.”

“I don’t know.” Her gaze drops to the side. “After it, I always feel like shit. I feel the opposite of self-loved.”

“And what about me? Is it OK for me to masturbate?”

Her eyes shoot back up to mine, before dropping again. “That’s different. You’re a guy.”

I nod. There’s a wall in her head. A wall made of purity culture and repressing female sexuality. It makes me furious to know she’s been stuck in her own body for twenty-eight years, dissociating from it because, in her mind, it’s not hers to own.

It also motivates me. She deserves this. More than anyone I know, she deserves this. And I’ll do it the only way I know how. By making her.

“Here’s what we’re going to do. Your first lesson will be self-love. Your task is to figure out exactly what makes you tick, exactly what turns you on.” Her mouth falls open. “What gets you wet.” Her head draws back. “And what makes you come.” She swallows audibly.

“And how should I do that?” she says on a shaky voice.

“You’ll wait for my instructions. I’ll help you with it. You’ll be on your own, but I’ll help you with it.”

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