Page 63 of A Killing Cold

I shift uncomfortably. “It’s not really something I like to talk about.”

“I imagine not.” He flicks his thumb across his chin. “Do you regret it?”

My lips part, but no answer comes. It should be an easy question, shouldn’t it? “I wish it hadn’t happened.”

“We can’t regret the things we couldn’t control,” he says. “Do you regret your part in it? Your choices?”

I think of that girl in Peter Frey’s room. She should have kept her head down. She should have been obedient, patient. She should have stayed quiet in her cage.

“No,” I say. “It got me out of there.”

“And the man you hurt?” He doesn’t call him my father. I’m grateful for that.

“I’m glad he didn’t die,” I say. It’s not the same thing as regret.

He grunts. “Sometimes terrible things happen, and they require terrible choices. In the end I suppose the difference between regretting those choices and finding peace with them is a matter of the outcome,” Magnus says. “You did what you had to. I understand that. The failure wasn’t yours. You should’ve been taken care of.” He stands. He checks over his gear, but it has the air of something to do while he thinks. “Why are you really marrying Connor?”

I blink. It’s not the question I was expecting. “I love him,” I say. It sounds stupid now, after everything I’ve learned.

It’s no less true.

He gives me a skeptical look. “Smart girls like you don’t get married this fast without a reason.”

I search his face for a hint of what it is he wants from me. He offers none. “When I’m with Connor, I feel like I belong to someone,” I say quietly. “I’ve never felt that before. But it’s not just that. It’s—I need that. The idea of losing it is terrible.”

The idea that it was a lie all along is terrifying.

“You’re giving him a hell of a lot of power,” he says. My mouth shuts so quickly my teeth click. “Nobody can be your savior. Sets you up for disaster and puts them in an impossible position. What happens if he turns out to just be human?”

“That’s not what I mean,” I say.

“Rose was like that,” he says. “Besotted, that’s the word. The whole world revolved around Liam, as far as she was concerned. He was like air and water and food to her. Then…” He paused.

I can tell from the way his words feel caged, carefully contained, that there is a great deal he is leaving unsaid. “You said Liam was soft. Nick said he was… charming.” It isn’t exactly what Nick had said, had implied, but it’s close enough.

“He wanted to be everyone’s hero.” Magnus sets off again. His voice is still quiet, and I have to stay close not to lose the syllables. “He lived for the way people looked at him. He lived to make other people smile.”

“That’s lovely,” I say.

A sound of disagreement. “He would shine, but only if there was someone there to notice it. He wasn’t a bad man. But he was desperate for it. He made some bad decisions because he needed that adoration. Needed to be that hero.”

“You think Connor’s like that?”

“I think you are,” he says.

I laugh a little. “I’m no one’s hero.”

“Maybe not. But you want to be the one who makes Connor smile. You want to be looked at, not seen. That’s what it is, not belonging. That’s what you’re feeling.”

“You have no idea what I’m feeling. You don’t know anything about my relationship,” I say. “You don’t know me.”

“I know exactly who you are,” Magnus says. He looks back at me. I count to three in my head before he even blinks, longer before I breathe. I expect him to say it now—to confront me with the truth.Do you really know? Then tell me, I think, willing him to say it.Tell me who the hell I am, because I don’t know.

“When they realize you aren’t perfect, it doesn’t end well,” Magnus says. “You’re young. You’re pretty. You’re a smart girl. This isn’t your only chance. Connor isn’t the only man who would worship you.”

“Why are you all so determined to drive me away?” My voice is so soft it barely bruises the air.

“I like you, girl,” Magnus says. “And that’s why I’m bothering to tell you. It isn’t worth it. You should leave before you get hurt.”

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