Page 50 of Between the Lines

My costars had the most front-row seat to all my neuroses, and maybe shared some of the same anxieties.

At least I thought.

Until they started backing out.

They had this thing or that thing to do, and before I knew it, my little underground premiere kickback had turned into what looked suspiciously like a much-too-planned date.

But there wasn’t anything I could do about it when the cancellations were last minute, and Shaw—my lone guest—was at my door.

I’d been so,sopainfully awkward with him lately.

But I tried my best to put it aside, slapping a casual expression on to let him inside.

“Oh man, you’ve got a whole set up in here huh?” he asked as he came in, checking out the little bar in the media room I’d stocked with snacks and drinks.

“I was expecting to havepeopleover,” I explained. “You’re the only one who didn’t back out on me.”

He grinned. “So what you’re saying is I shouldn’t feel special?”

“You should always feel special in your heart,” I teased back as he sat down on my overstuffed couch—exactlywhere I’d planned to sit.

He’d already kicked his shoes off at the little station by my front door, and now he was really getting comfortable. My place wasn’t huge, but I had enough seating for the people I’d invited without us being too on top of each other.

Before, I would’ve just adjusted and sat down anywhere.

Now, it felt a little weird trying to make a good decision—I didn’t want to purposely create space between us because I wasn’t sure what message that would send.

I didn’t want to get too close either though…Because I didn’t know what messagethat would send.

Shaw solved the dilemma by raising an eyebrow at me, then motioning for me to come sit down.

“Come on and start it up,” he insisted. “You’ve got me feeling nervous now.”

“Oh please.” I rolled my eyes. “What is there foryouto feel nervous about?”

“You’re joking, right? It’s always stressful waiting to see your performance.”

My mouth dropped open a bit. “Even now? So many years into it?”

“Yeah, even now,” he chuckled. “It never really goes away.”

“Well shit.” I laughed. “I thought this feeling was just cause I’m…new-ish.”

He shook his head. “Sorry to break it to you, but there’s a different phase of insecurity for every part of your career. You just…push past it the best you can, whenever you can.”

“That’s wack,” I replied, taking the seat he’d indicated next to him.

But not too close.

“It’s real though.”

“Man, whatever—I’m pretty sure we both know, hell,everybody knows, you bodied your role.”

He shrugged. “We can think what we want, but the camera doesn’t lie. At least not much,” he chuckled. “Come on, pull it up.”

“I’m working on it!” I laughed at his impatience as I pulled out my phone, using an app to pull up what we were about to see on the screen. Once I had it loaded, we both grabbed a couple snacks and a drink of choice—no liquor after I nearly embarrassed myself the other night after the cast party—and then we settled in, ready to watch.

It was…kind of surreal.

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