Page 82 of The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

He gets closer, squeezing himself between the edge of my bed and the plastic chair where my clothes are folded, and I only realise now that my bra is sitting on top of the pile like a lacy beige cupcake. My face glows with embarrassment.

Between telling him that he’s my medieval hero and inadvertently flashing my underwear, I wish a giant hole wouldopen and suck my hospital bed into it.Maybe they did give me drugs after all.

He scoops Ellie into his arms and she purrs like a little kitten as she cuddles into him without fully waking.

‘Thank you,’ I whisper.

‘No, thank you.’

My eyes narrow.

‘For trusting me with her. I won’t let you down,’ he says, and my heart flutters and I have to bite my lip so I don’t say the shining knight thing again.

Elaine comes onto the ward. She’s changed out of her uniform into beige trousers and a cream linen blouse that compliments her silver bob. I had no idea she was quite so elegant outside of work.

‘It’s getting late. We need to think of the other patients,’ she says, and we all glance around the ward.

There are six beds. Three facing three. And only two are occupied. The woman in the bed opposite me has been sleeping soundly for the last hour or so.

‘If you have everything you need, Shayne, I’d appreciate if you were on your way.’

Elaine speaks to Shayne with the same tone and mannerism she uses when speaking to patients’ families. It’s professional and caring, but it’s certainly not how I would expect a mother to interact with her son.

‘Sure,’ Shayne says, and the atmosphere chills me to the bone.

‘Get some rest, Bea,’ Elaine says, turning to walk away.

‘You could come with us?’ Shayne calls after her.

She snaps back round as if he has said something dreadful. Her face is pinched and full of revulsion.

‘Willhebe there?’ she grumbles, and she sounds so like Malcolm.

‘Yes. Obviously. It is Grandad’s house.’

Elaine rolls her eyes and it’s obvious she doesn’t appreciate his sarcasm.

‘He wants to see you,’ Shayne says. ‘He doesn’t have much time.’

My heart aches and I hope Elaine won’t waste what little time is left. But she straightens her back and says, ‘He knows where to find me.’

‘Mam, please?’ Shayne begs.

Elaine raises her hand, signalling the end of the conversation. ‘That child needs bed,’ she says.

Shayne rubs Ellie’s back, the way a loving father might, the way Declan used to, and it pains me to think that Ellie won’t have that in her life any more. With Declan gone, and Shayne going back to New York, and Malcolm…I can’t even bring myself to think about Malcolm leaving. But soon, Ellie won’t have any male role models in her life. And I will be lonelier than ever.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Bea,’ Shayne says.

He bends and kisses my head and immediately apologises. ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I did that.’

Elaine looks on, open-mouthed.

Familiar butterflies swirl in my stomach as I replay the feel of his lips on my skin.

‘I…I…’ A redness creeps across his nose and spreads into his cheeks. ‘I better get going.’ He rubs some more circles round Ellie’s back, protectively. ‘I’ll take good care of her.’

I smile. I know he will. I don’t tell him that in doing so he’s also taking good care of me. I don’t say it, because I think we both already know it. And the butterflies turn into full birds, flapping their wings furiously as my belly flips with feelings I’m not sure I’ve ever had before. Not even for Declan.

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