Page 37 of The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

Feeling smaller and stupider than ever, I call Cora. The phone rings for a few seconds before she picks up.

‘Hello,’ she says, sounding slightly out of breath.

‘Hey.’

‘Hi.’

‘Can you talk?’ I ask.

There’s some giggling and I think Cora is covering the phone with her hand as she says something incoherent to someone in the background.

‘Hey. Hey. Yeah. Sorry. You okay?’

‘I—’

There’s more giggling and Cora playfully says, ‘Stop it. stop it. It’s Bea. I gotta take this.’

I hear a grumble of frustration, at which Cora covers the phone again, but I can still hear her promise she’ll be quick.

‘If it’s a bad time?—’

‘No, no, it’s fine.’

She’s definitely out of breath and it sounds like she’s been running. Cora does not run. Even brisk walking bothers her. I cringe when I realise that I’m disturbing her and Finton having sex. I am beyond glad I didn’t video call her.

‘I can go,’ I say quickly. ‘Sorry. Forget I called.’

‘Bea. Stop. It’s fine. Finton is going out now anyway. I can talk. You sound off. What’s wrong?’

I know Finton is not going out. I can only imagine him sitting beside Cora on the couch or in bed or splayed across the kitchen table, rolling his eyes and cursing me. But I know that, even if I hang up now, Cora will call me back. And so, I let it all out. There are times where I am crying so hard I’m an incoherent mess and yet Cora seems to hear and understand everything.

‘Right. That’s it,’ she says. ‘We’re going to the guards about this scamming bitch.’

I agree, although since I don’t actually know her name, where she lives or even if she really is a she, I doubt there is much they can do.

‘And you and Ellie are coming to stay here.’

I don’t have time to thank her before she’s jumping in to reassure me, as if I might decline the offer. She could suggest Ellie and I sleep in the shed at the base of the garden and I wouldn’t decline.

‘It’ll be just like when we were in college again. God, those days were the best, weren’t they?’

My mind floods with memories. Five students crammed into a two-bedroomed apartment overlooking the canal, within walking distance of Trinity College. Dishes stacked in the sink. Empty vodka bottles lined up next to the bin, waiting until they took over almost the entire floor space before someone caved and took them to the recycling bank. Hair straighteners left next to random sockets. Half-eaten takeaways littering the coffee table. Make-up stains on the carpet that we covered up with a rug. Five girls who I thought were the family I had long hoped for. But, over the years in college, I slowly remembered what I knew all along.People leave. First it was Jessica. She didn’t pass her second-year exams and she moved home to Galway to work on her parents’ farm. We all texted for a while, but she reconnected with her school friends and things fizzled. Lorna was next to go. She met a guy studying bio-something-or-other and they took a year out to travel Australia. I saw her back on campus the following year. She had several new piercings, a smattering of tattoos and a new-found love of pottery. She transferred into a different degree and we lost touch. Andi left soon after that. She never actually gave us a reason. She simply stopped coming to lectures. One day, Cora and I came home to find her stuff gone and key left on the table. We tried texting and calling but she never replied or picked up. There was a rumourthat she had an affair with one of our married professors. I remember hoping it wasn’t true, because what kind of self-respecting girl would do that? I think of Andi now, more than I ever have before. I guess because we’re more similar than we ever were before. I wonder what she is doing now. I wonder if she is okay?God, I hope so.For both our sakes.

I cry harder than ever as I remember a time my life was better than it ever had been before. I was a somebody. I had great friends. I was on the path to a wonderful career and stability for the first time since I was eleven years old. And then along came Declan. Declan with his beautiful face and sexy uniform. Declan with his charm and charisma. I was never looking for a fast pass to the perfect life. But then came Ellie withherbeautiful face and Declan’s eyes and it felt as if the perfect life just sort of landed in my path. A voice inside my head taps at my brain like a tiny woodpecker. This is all your fault, you know.Tap, tap, tap. You let this happen.Tap, tap, tap. You left college to look after Ellie. You let Declan pay the rent and the bills because you took the first job you could get and you couldn’t match his big salary. You believed him when he said he wished he could be home more but his work made him so busy. You are the problem, Bea.You. Ellie deserves so much better.

I don’t say goodbye to Cora. The wine and exhaustion finally get the better of me and I fall asleep on the couch with the phone mashed against my face.

TWELVE

My head bangs and for a moment I blame the wine, before I realise the noise is outside my brain and coming from my front door.

‘Bea! It’s Cora. You there?’

I rub my eyes and sit up. The knocking on the door has stopped but my head is still banging.

‘Bea!’

‘I’m here. I’m here,’ I say in a throaty gargle.

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