Page 23 of The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

‘Oh, chickpea, I can’t play.’ I sigh, and my heart sinks when I watch her little face fall. ‘I have to go to work now. But you’re going to have so, so much fun colouring in.’

Her bottom lip drops and quivers.

‘But I’m going to come back lots and lots and check that you’re still winning, okay? And remember?—’

‘—keep hiding. That’s how you win,’ she finishes for me with a grin.

‘Yes. Yes. You clever girl.’

I kiss the top of her head and promise I will be back soon. Ellie takes a yellow pencil from the box and begins colouring with a happy, smiling face. I take a deep breath, close the door behind me and, with my heart practically beating out of my chest, I clock in for my shift.

NINE

I check on Ellie regularly. The first couple of times, I find her colouring happily and sucking on her lollipop. After that, she’s curled up napping on my cardigan and I’m guilty of being pleased that the walk to hospital tuckered her out. It’s lunchtime before I know it. I sneak some snacks from the catering trolley – a couple of rice puddings and two apples. Then, I pour two small glasses of water from the cooler next to the nurses’ station and tiptoe towards the storage closet.

‘I like picnics,’ Ellie chirps as she dribbles rice pudding down her chin.

I sit cross-legged beside her. Despite the cramped space, it’s the most I’ve enjoyed my lunch break in a long time. I would love to take her outside for some fresh air, but the stress at the thought of sneaking her back in makes me chicken out. Instead, I give her my phone and tell her she can watchBlueywith the volume down. Her face lights up with delight at this unexpected screen time, and I know she’ll sit happily for another hour at least.

‘This is so funner than crèche,’ she tells me as she stares at the screen.

I kiss her head and remind her of the rules of our game of hide-and-seek.

‘I’m winning.’

‘You are winning, chickpea. You’re the best hider.’

‘I’m winning,’ she says again, but her attention is less on me and more on the colourful animals and low music coming from my phone.

I back out the door, and bump into Elaine just as I’m closing it. I yelp as if I’ve seen a ghost.

Elaine is most obviously unimpressed. ‘Everything all right?’

‘Sorry. I didn’t see you there.’

‘It’s patients’ quiet time,’ she reminds me as she places a finger over her lips.

‘Yes, sorry.’ I lower my voice to a whisper. ‘I was just looking for the, eh…the mop.’

‘And you didn’t find it?’ she asks, pointing at my empty hands.

I wince, wishing I could stop talking, but I’m on edge and words keep tumbling out no matter how much my brain aches for them not to.

‘Left it on the ward. I don’t know where my head is at today.’

‘Probably on your daughter.’

A shiver runs down my spine. ‘

Oh…Ell…ie,’ I say, as if I have to search my brain to find my own child’s name.

‘Yes.’ She looks at me with a pinched expression, telling me that she’s worried I’ve lost my mind. ‘She was unwell yesterday. You left early to attend to her.’

‘Oh. Eh. Yes. Tummy bug. All good now.’

‘Kids.’ She sighs. ‘They like to keep us on our toes. I’m glad it was nothing.’

‘Yes. Yeah. Me too. Kids.’

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