Page 96 of The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

‘Can we rewind? Go back to the way everything was.’

The inside of my head is pounding and my brain is screaming, 'No! No! NO!’ But I look at Ellie, swinging her legs back and forth, sitting carefree between her parents, and I know I have to hear him out.

‘I spoke to the landlord,’ he goes on, before casually trying his coffee for a third time. ‘The fecker upped the rent cos there wasso much interest, but it’s worth it. He can’t put a price on being back home with you and Ellie.’

Anger explodes inside me, like fiery lava. Ellie and I have been sleeping on a cold floor all this time and our old home was vacant? I close my eyes, but open them again quickly when I find everything spinning. My brain pulses and I wish I could clamp my hand over my mouth to make holding a huge scream inside easier.

‘What do you say, Bea. Can we give it another go?’

My fists clench and shake as I force them to stay by my sides. I take some deep breaths to try to make the pounding inside my head stop.

‘Bea?’ he says.

Ellie drinks her juice and there’s a loud slurping sound as she guzzles the last few sips. My eyes water, watching her. She’s full of happiness as she enjoys her sugary treats. It’s just a cookie and some juice, but I will most likely be unable to afford either once I start paying rent somewhere. I’m not even sure what groceries I will be able to afford. Declan is offering us our old life back. A warm, safe home, and healthy food in the fridge. Ellie needs that. She deserves it. As much as I would love to hop off this stool, gather her into my arms and walk out the door, I can’t.

‘Yeah, okay, maybe we could give it another go,’ I say, and the words taste like bitter coffee in my mouth.

‘That’s my girl,’ Declan says. ‘I’ll get all the paperwork sorted. We’ll be home before you know it.’

Home, I repeat silently in my head. Ellie will have a home again. It will all be worth it. It has to be.

THIRTY-NINE

‘Are you fucking mad?’ Cora asks me when I call her to tell her about Declan.

‘He was a mess, Cora. You should have seen him. At one stage I thought he was going to cry.’ I lie, hoping she’ll believe that Declan is really broken without us. Maybe I can even convince myself.

She grunts, disapprovingly. ‘So, that’s it? You’re really taking him back.’

I hold the phone away for a moment so she doesn’t hear the deep, steadying breath I take before I say, ‘Yes! I am.’

‘Oh, Bea. There’s nothing I can say, is there?’

‘To make me change my mind?’ I ask. ‘No. Nothing.’

‘Just think about what he did. How much he hurt you. He lived a double life, for goodness’ sake. You can’t trust him. How can you still love him after all that? I’m sorry, Bea, I just can’t get my head around this.’

I know I can’t trust him. And I don’t want to love him. I’m certainly not in love with him any more. But we have a history. He was a huge part of my life, the biggest part, for a long time. I can’t just wave a magic wand and wipe away the memories.

‘He’s the father of my child,’ I say.

‘And he treated that child just as badly as he treated you. Oh, Bea, please. Please don’t let him back in. He doesn’t deserve you. Either of you.’

I wonder how this conversation would go if Cora could see me now. I’m sitting, cross-legged, on the storage room floor. My left leg has gone numb, and when I stretch it out pins and needles shoot all the way into my arse. I don’t flinch. I’m used to some part of my body going numb in the cramped space. It’s usually my legs, but sometimes I wake up with a dead arm or shoulder too. Of course, Cora doesn’t know any of that. She thinks I’m calling her from Ellie’s and my cosy room in our new lovely flatshare. I googled a picture of a generic box room online after our last call and sent it to her.

‘Oh, nice. Small, but nice,’ she replied, ever supportive.

Thankfully, it’s been easier to fob her off about visiting since I told her about Malcolm and Shayne. She’s so excited I’m spending my free time with them, she hasn’t mentioned my nonexistent new flat in days.

‘What about his other kids?’ she asks. ‘You know, the nearly grown-ups who you didn’t even know existed.’

There is so much anger in Cora’s tone. I know the majority of it is directed towards Declan. But I think there is a small part aimed at me too. She’s furious I’m being so stupid. She’s worried I’m forgiving a man who literally turned my life upside down just weeks ago. A man who lied to me, who betrayed me, who abandoned me. A man who let me fall head over heels in love with him, all the while knowing his heart was never mine to take. A bad man. A man I am about to give my life to once again because I have to.

I open my mouth to tell Cora I love him. I think they are the words she needs to hear to help her understand. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot push them out.

‘He’s Ellie’s dad,’ I find myself repeating, because it’s the only truth I can share in this whole, horrible mess. I don’t want to lie to my best friend. But I don’t want to tell her anything more, either.

‘Does Ellie know she has brothers?’ Cora continues.

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