Page 77 of The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

‘Oh, what’s this?’ I say, looking down at a page full of stick people, a yellow sun and some green splodges that I think might represent the grass.

‘This one might need a bath tonight?’ Alannah laughs, pointing at her hair.

‘We don’t gots a bath at Mammy’s work,’ Ellie says.

‘No, no, I mean at home, dear,’ Alannah says, laughing harder.

‘Ha.’ I choke. ‘Kids. What will they say next?’

‘But we don’t got one, Mammy,’ Ellie says, confused.

‘So tell me, who is this?’ I ask quickly, distracting her.

‘Me and you.’ She points to some very large-of-head stick people, one tall and one short. ‘And Shayne and Malco,’ she says, pointing to the remaining figures.

‘Family day today,’ Alannah says warmly. ‘The kids were painting their mammies and daddies, brothers, sisters and grandparents. Isn’t it just adorable.’

‘Yes. Lovely.’ I swallow.

‘We’re going to paint our houses tomorrow,’ Alannah continues.

My heart pounds, and it’s as if I can hear the swish-wallop of my blood racing in my veins, like a storm at sea. A headache grips me and I’m desperate for fresh air.

‘Come on, Ellie.’ I gather all her stuff from her basket and bundle it under my arm, not taking the time to put it on her before I grab her hand and hurry outside.

‘Byeeeee,’ Alannah calls after us.

My chest is so tight it’s hard to breathe. I inhale deeply through my nose, but it’s as if the air gets stuck before making it to my lungs. I try again. And again. Faster and faster.

‘Mammy?’ Ellie says, sounding distressed. ‘Mammy?’

I try to comfort her. To tell her everything will be all right, but I can’t draw my breath. I can’t breathe or see or hear. Suddenly everything is black.

Oh God, Ellie!

THIRTY-TWO

I open my eyes and everything is white! It’s not an exaggeration to say that for a moment I panic that I’m dead.

‘Ellie,’ I croak out before I realise that the whiteness above me is a hospital ceiling, complete with fluorescent light and the odd greyish stain that has formed over time. I try to sit up but something pinches the soft part inside my elbow. I look down to find a drip running into my arm.

‘Ellie?’ I call out again. ‘Where’s my daughter? Hello? Hello?’

A young woman in the bed across the ward sits up and says, ‘Oh. You’re awake.’

‘Have you seen my daughter? She’s four. Blond curly hair and?—’

‘The nurse has her.’

Relief washes over me, and suddenly I am light-headed again. I throw the sheet back and swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I’m in a hospital gown that opens at the back to reveal my underwear. I reach behind me and grab it, then I clutch the drip stand in my other hand and start walking.

‘Are you sure you should be up?’ the woman in the bed across the ward asks.

‘I have to find my daughter.’

‘Really, you don’t look well. I’m sure if you just call the nurse…’

I ignore the concerned young woman and keep going.

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