Page 55 of The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

Of course, it couldn’t be further from the truth. The last thing I want for Ellie is a Christmas alone with me, hiding out in a tiny room with no windows. But four-year-olds talk. I’ve no doubt that, after a couple of games of I-Spy with Cora’s parents, Ellie would be full of stories about our closet life. It’s hard enough trying to throw Alannah off the scent – not that she cares, she’s just curious. But Cora and her family have known me since day one of college. They can read me like a book. I wouldn’t be able to hide something this huge from them. Not in person. I try to push thoughts of Cora’s mam’s amazing roast spuds and gravy from my mind and resign myself to a Christmas dinner of pot noodle and a bar of chocolate for dessert.

I wait until Christmas Eve to collect Ellie’s Barbie house from Cora’s flat. I’ve left it until the last minute for a variety of reasons. It’s going to be almost impossible to hide a three-storey, luminous pink doll’s house in such a small space without Ellie spotting it. But more to the point, I waited for a day Finton was home and Cora was not. I haven’t seen my best friend since I lefther flat. I don’t realise until I’m on the bus on my lunch break, on the way to the flat, that I’ve actively been avoiding her. It’s not because I don’t want to see her. It’s because I can’t. It’s one thing to tell her in a message that my life is fine. It’s another thing entirely to lie to her face.

Finton greets me at the door of the flat. ‘Oh, hi, Bea,’ he says, clearly shocked by my unexpected arrival. ‘Cora’s not here, I’m afraid.’

‘Yeah, I know,’ I say.

He makes a face that asks,Then why the hell are you here?

I answer his unasked question. ‘I just stopped by to pick up Ellie’s doll’s house?’

He stares blankly.

‘The Barbie one?’

There’s still nothing from him and I don’t understand. It’s a huge pink box. It’s kind of hard to miss. Cora hid it in the bottom of their wardrobe, but surely he’s come across it by now.

‘It’s Ellie’s Santa present,’ I go on.

His brows pinch before he says, ‘Oh, shit. That thing.’

Relief washes over me and I wait for him to ask me in.

‘Shit, Bea. I thought Cora bought that for Dotty.’

‘Dotty?’

‘My niece,’ he explains. ‘She’s four. Barbie mad.’

‘Yes. All four-year-olds are. Blame Margot Robbie.’

He laughs as if I’m hilarious. But I know for a fact he doesn’t find me funny.

‘Listen, I hate to rush, but I’m on my lunch break and I really need to get back. I’ve been late a few times too many recently and my boss is going mad.’

‘Right, right,’ he says, and his voice is strained as he claps his hands and presses them down on his head. ‘Look, Bea. I gave that thing to my sister. For Dotty, you know. I really thought?—’

‘You gave it away?’

It’s a startled question but it comes out like a snappy statement.

‘Yeah,’ he says, lowering his hands to let them fall limp by his sides. ‘Like I said, I thought Cora bought it for Dotty. You know how much she loves kids.’

‘Can you get it back? I mean, your niece hasn’t opened it or anything. Just swap it for something else.’

‘Can’t. My sis is gone to Mayo for Christmas. Left yesterday.’

‘Fuck!’

My head is spinning and I want to cry. I think I might already be, but I can’t tell.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’ll pay you for it. How much was it?’

I look at my watch and shake my head. ‘It’s Christmas Eve,’ I tell him as if he doesn’t already know. ‘Everywhere closes early.’

‘Maybe you could pick one up after Christmas, they might even be cheaper in the sale. Kids get some much stuff for Christmas anyway, she probably won’t even notice.’

‘There is no other stuff,’ I say, as tears stream down my cheeks. I cannot bear to think of Ellie’s face tomorrow morning when she wakes up thinking Santa forgot her.

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