Page 10 of Bad Like Me

9

Ray

What in theactual fuck were we doing? This was awkward. Every time I wanted to walk away, my stupid mouth opened on its own again. When I wanted nothing more than to be alone, I invited him inside. When I went to change my clothes, I told him to find us something to drink. It was as if my body was on autopilot and my mouth was driving the whole damn thing, my brain and wants took a backseat on this ride.

I figured things would have changed given the amount of time that had passed since we last saw one another, but if anything, things had intensified for me. The moment I saw him, I hid in the bush. As I did, I was more than aware it was a childish response, but I wasn’t ready to see him. Not yet. The thing about life was, it didn’t matter if you were prepared, it just happened.

Logan was the same person I left seven years ago, yet, in the same measure, he was very different. His facial hair had grown, and he had a couple of new tattoos under his leather vest, but that wasn’t the first thing I noticed. The way he proudly carried his shoulders pinned back and the way he constantly looked around like a snake ready to strike was new. Logan had never been what one would consider a “free-spirit”, in fact, he was borderline OCD with certain things, but this wasn’t a part of that. The world had aged him, and honestly, I didn’t know how. I wanted to, though. This was the reason I didn’t want to see him because when it came to him, my curiosity was never-ending…among other things of course.

I finished the last piece of the third doughnut and sipped on the coffee Logan had made us, realizing the whole no conversation between us was coming to a head. It was a waiting game to see who broke first. We both used to be stubborn as hell, and I was sure that fact hadn’t waivered for either of us. It certainly hadn’t for me, otherwise, I wouldn’t keep stuffing sweets in my mouth to prevent us from talking. It was as if the moment I saw him standing on the porch, all rational thoughts escaped me. I reverted back to the girl who left him behind; somehow, it was like I was no longer a woman and like the past didn’t happen. It had, though. We’d both assessed our priorities, and we weren’t number one on each other’s list—that gutted me, and I knew it did him, too. Life was shitty like that. If it weren’t for responsibilities, we would have gone on undamaged by the pressures of the world.

“You want another?” he asked, his interest piqued and his eyes wide. He recognized what I was doing: avoiding him. Of course, he did. I wished I wasn’t this transparent, but when you spend the majority of your life with someone, they figured you out, even down to the weirdest habits. This was one of mine; I hated talking about things when they didn’t have a resolution in sight. It was something he and I used to share, and based on the way he was shoving food in his mouth as fast as I was, he more than likely still felt the same. We were both problem solvers—it irked the shit out of me to fail in finding a solution. Perhaps that was the easiest way to describe what happened between the two of us; there wasn’t an easy answer. Hell, there wasn’t even a slightly difficult one to find, so we didn’t. We both gave enough to say we tried, but we didn’t, not really. I’d seen people who tried. They fought for what they had and refused to let it go, that wasn’t what we did.

I slowly shook my head, mulling over my recent thoughts. I’d spent so many years avoiding him when, in reality, it seemed pointless to do so. Was I hurt? Sure, but he was, too. I bit the corner of my mouth and released my lip with a pop. I was tired of only partially living my own life. Maybe, had I not been such a shit, I would have come home and been able to spend more time with Dad, I would have known he was sick long before it was too late. The what-ifs were enough to drive me insane, so I simply decided I wouldn’t let them anymore. At least not today. Tomorrow was another story.

“Do you ever wonder…” My voice trailed off, suddenly my bravery back-stepped, and I questioned myself.

“What would have happened if we stayed together?” He finished my thought and patted the couch cushion beside him. I joined him, nodding in agreement. “Me too. All the fucking time, which I wouldn’t accept the truth myself, but I’ll admit it to you.” He ran his hands through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck a few times before continuing, “Really, Ray, who the fuck knows? It doesn’t change anything, right?” He brushed his index and middle finger over his mouth a few times before cupping his lips and letting them go.

“Guess not. We can’t fix the past,” I pointed out, more to myself than to him.

“Can’t run from the future either.” He half-heartedly smiled, leaning his head against the back of the couch, a whirlwind of emotions stirred behind his irises, and his pupils broadened. My pulse quickened the longer I watched him watching me. One of us should say something else, but what was there to say? Should I scream that I’d missed him every day since we last saw one another? No. That would be a huge mistake; I wasn’t even sure if that was what I truly felt or if it was simply being in such close proximity to him that confused my senses.

My body reacted to his as it had in the past, making me ache for him to touch me, but again, that would certainly be another misstep. I needed to move from this couch, however, I didn’t want to all at the same time. I’d never been one to look for grand gestures from a higher power, and yet, I needed an intervention. Being around Logan was intoxicating and despite how confused I was, one thing was clear: I’d missed him.

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