Page 42 of Chaos

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Drex

Day 41

Fuck!My eyes burned from struggling to keep the tears at bay, but I hung to the fleeting sanity left inside to rescue me. Something had to distract me before I swallowed the fucking flames and smoke engulfed us. When I saw she’d not only touched the hat, but cradled it, saying I struggled to remain calm would be an enormous understatement. No one touched my mantle, a rule that even I typically followed.

Immediately, I’d balled my fists to my sides to keep from hitting something. Eris seeing that side of me wasn’t an option, especially when I didn’t want to see this side of me. It was irrational, and I found loathing someone or something easier than dealing with the world.

While all of the emotions drained from her face that usually held such life, it was clear she spoke the truth. She was Noah’s mother, but I couldn’t grasp the reality in the words. Perhaps I didn’t want to accept them. No amount of preparation could have readied me to meet her, if I’d known who she really was. The world had a fucked-up sense of humor. She was the only person I’d been drawn to, the only person I’d loved, and yet, all of this would be coming to an abrupt halt.

Early on, I’d been honest with myself, and eventually swallowed I’d never be the man she needed, not knowing I was the man who ruined her life. All the hours we’d spent together and every minute that passed in each other’s arms all seemed wrong now. Blood stained the memories. She was the one thing in my life I’d thought wasn’t tainted by my past, when in reality, it seemed she was my past. We’d been connected in ways no one could foresee. Our heartache stemmed from the same tragic event, but I was the cause, and she was the affected. Knowing I was the source of her pain was something I couldn’t live with. For a brief pause in time, my misled thoughts considered the idea of being happy with Eris. Yet, that was when I believed I was the hero, I’d unknowingly worn the villain’s face in her story instead.

Holding her in my arms, the earth shifted and what had been a faultless day was now proving to be our Armageddon. This was the first time I knew fighting was pointless. No amount of effort could save us now. Despite the years I’d claimed to not care, that annoying emotion always lay dormant in the back of my mind, even if I denied acknowledging its presence. It kept me from completely derailing. Now that every aspect of it had been destroyed and there was no chance of it returning, the tracks that’d kept me grounded for years were broken and I was a runaway.

“Why, Drex?” she repeated herself in a barely audible voice. Reliving the past was one of my worst fears, and explaining it would mean going back to the darkest day I’d lived. Present day excluded. Unfortunately for us, today I’d taken the stage and won the fucked-up Grammy of my life.

After a cleansing breath, I pulled her to my chest and held her tight, knowing this would be our last moment. I tried to memorize how her hair always smelled like strawberries. The way she’d sneak off every morning we’d spent together and apply makeup she didn’t need was something I knew I’d miss, because it showed how blind to her beauty she was. She made me a better person, and now with everything laid out, I knew I’d been the one to destroy her.

Mulder and I went fishing any chance we got. As sure as the sun was in the sky, we were by the water and I was slinging a line into it, in hopes today would be the day I finally caught “the big one”.

A truck backed down the ramp on the opposite side of the pond. A little boy hung his head and a large portion of his body out of the truck window. I assumed he was guiding the driver. Finally, after the third time of pulling up and repositioning the angle, they got the boat in the correct direction to drop it into the water, using a good deal of team effort.

Once the elderly man and a boy who still had to attend elementary school got out of the cab and rounded the boat, I knew they’d have trouble unloading, so I yelled across the way, “Give me a few, guys. I’ll help ya put that big boy in the water.” I embellished some for the little boy’s behalf, knowing how important fishing trips with my grandfather had been when I was close to his age.

“I’m Drex,” I introduced myself, holding my hand out to shake the boy’s hand and then the elderly man’s, whom I figured was his grandfather.

“I’m Noah and that’s Granddad,” the boy said, adjusting his fishing hat and then quickly shaking my hand. He ran over to meet my puppy, Mulder, not interested in talking to me anymore.

“Jeff,” the man said his name. The love in his voice was unmistakable as he watched Noah and Mulder chase each other.

“Thanks for the help. Drex, is it?” He looked down to me as he hiked his foot onto the tailgate and used his arm to heave himself upward. I nodded my head in response and watched him move faster than I would have thought someone his age could. “That’s some name.” He laughed, loosening a ratchet strap, and so I did the same.

“It is.”

“Your parents hippies or something?” Bending to hold my stomach, I shook my head and then removed the hooks from the bed. “Sounds like a hippy name,” Jeff pointed out, and I saw him smirk. It was only then I realized he was just giving me a hard time.

“Maybe I’m a hippy,” I threw back at him and smiled in his general direction, jumping off the tailgate and lifting the bow of the boat upward as he grabbed the back.

“Good,” he said breathlessly after we set the jon boat into the water. “I am, too.” He smiled, removing his jacket and exposing a tattoo peace sign on his upper left arm, by no accident, I’m sure. He left me to hold the boat into place as he parked the truck.

“You ready to catch some fish, Noah?” he called to his grandson, who was busy splashing in mud puddles with Mulder to care what his grandfather was saying. He reached my side and climbed into the boat, unsnapping the snaps that held the seat’s top down, adjusting them both into position and hopping back onto the concrete ramp.

“Noah?”

“You bet!” he finally answered him and gave Mulder one last scratch behind the ears.

“Thanks for your help,” Jeff said, slapping my back and Noah repeated his action and words as he passed me, getting into the boat.

“Good luck!” I called, pushing the boat’s bow with my foot, and they wished me good luck as the boat drifted into the water. Mulder whimpered watching his new playmate float farther away from us, and Jeff started the motor as soon as the water was deep enough to allow him to do so.

Mulder and I walked back to our usual spot and I cast my line out, humming no particular tune. Today was a perfect day. The sun provided just enough warmth to keep a chill from your skin, and although clouds were present, no rain had fallen from them. I hadn’t checked the weather before leaving today, so I was thankful it wasn’t a bust.

Each time one of us caught a fish, we’d yell across the water to congratulate one another. The clouds were a vast contrast to what they were a mere two hours ago. They’d abruptly gone from a puffy white to a deep grayish black.

“Storm’s coming,” I yelled out to them, doubting they were local, since I hadn’t seen them until today. Thankfully, Jeff listened to my warning and turned the boat in the direction of the ramp as the rain began to spill down on us. Suddenly, the engine sputtered and died. In the same moment, Noah’s rod tipped downward and he excitedly stood to set the hook. Jeff shrugged his shoulders and smiled, standing to help Noah.

“Little bit of rain never hurt anyone,” Jeff called out to me as he stood behind Noah, holding onto the base of his fishing rod to strengthen Noah’s hold, and his head fell backward as he laughed. A loud crack of thunder rumbled through the air, and Mulder was at my feet instantly, tucking his tail beneath him.

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