Page 39 of Chaos

“Not here.” My body scooted to her side, and I kissed her bare thigh. “Wizard is at the office, unfortunately. He wanted to kill my rats, so I gave him free rein over the area.” I frowned against her skin, wishing I hadn’t had to rehome him to the office. He was a cuddler. At one point, I slept with both Mulder and him, which usually resulted in Mulder practically pushing us both out of the bed. That was the reason Mulder now slept everywhere, other than my bed, of course.

“Hmm,” she simply replied, running her fingertips through my hair. “What made you decide to be a veterinarian?”

“I thought I could make a difference in the world.” Honesty flowed from my lips, but reality strangled my heart. I was ignorant to think I’d ever impact the world in a positive manner for my entire career. Just like anything else good in my life, its lifespan was short-lived and added to my bitterness.

“What about you? A waitress?” I paused, sitting up to put my back against the headboard, and pulled her to my chest. “You seem to like people as much as I do.”

For a brief second, her body shook with silent laughter, but her blue eyes quickly descended into sadness. “There was only one thing I was ever supposed to be… After that, I’m just kind of finishing out my sentence.” Her arm pulled against her stomach and guarded it as she drew the heartache from her soul and covered it up with a fake smile.

It was in that instance I saw the truth in her eyes. I’d seen the cesarean scar on her otherwise flawless body, but never questioned it. I didn’t feel I had the right to and still didn’t. I’d not divulged much of my past with her, so there was no warrant for me to ask of hers. There was no denying what I knew, given my medical background. Her child must have died shortly after birth. I’d never wanted children because I feared allowing someone to be born with my genes was just setting them up for failure. I didn’t know what agony she fought to hide from the world, but I’d never ask for her to bleed them out.

Denying every urge within me to tell her lies of comfort, I strained to mirror her counterfeit smile, and it felt as if poison burned my veins. I’d worn many faces for Eris. I’d been apologetic when it was necessary to mend our broken ties, something I rarely did for anyone, even if I was drunk. For her, I pushed my limits because doing the opposite was never a possibility. I’d become sociable when every neuron in my body told me to leave that damned diner because I was drawn to her. I was hopeful, something I hadn’t been in years. Yet, none of those things bothered me as much as right now did. Sure, I was defiant many times, but never felt as if I’d betrayed us both because all of those emotions were real. They were always a step forward, even if my instinct told me to step backward into solitude. I hated this moment. I hated lying to her, but I owed it to her. She needed her privacy as much as I did mine on certain matters, but I couldn’t remain silent. With the last thought, I knew I had to say something. I only hoped my words would be strong enough to carry her.

“On occasion, unexpected things happen and we’ll never be able to explain them. I know from personal experience that you can’t stop the rain.” Using my knuckle, I tipped her chin upward to get her attention. “It’ll just keep fucking pouring down on you, drowning you as long as you let it.”

Her eyebrows arched in confusion, and I knew I needed to finish my statement, and fast.

“But, there are moments and people...” I added, clearing my throat, knowing once I finished, everything would change. “Who can calm the storm.”

A genuine smilegraced her mouth, and then one found mine. Either I was one lucky bastard for finding the right words to mend her pain or she was one hell of an actress. I hoped it to be the former.

She climbed onto her knees and leaned her lips against my own. “Thank you, Drex,” she uttered in a hushed tone, draping her arms around my neck, and hugged me.

Her eyes no longer held the amount of sadness they had minutes ago, but still it was there, threatening to consume her at any moment. Now that I understood her grief, I thought back and tried to find a memory of her without it and miserably failed. She was driven by grief and heartache, a motive I wished we didn’t share. Wrapping her in my arms, I swore to myself I would protect her with every ounce of my being, because I now knew how alike we were and it broke my heart that she knew misery as I did.

“You’re welcome.”Such a simplistic way to answer her, but I wasn’t capable of more. Edging my mouth to hers, I stopped briefly and waited for her to make the next move. Her lips parted, and the slightest bit of warm air traveled outward touching my skin, causing a fury of events. My tongue slid into her mouth and grazed hers as if still asking permission for this situation to be okay. You always read about happily ever afters, but were two people driven by despair really capable of reaching any semblance of that? I knew I’d drive myself mad searching for an answer, so I gave up and gave in to the moment. Once again, letting myself be selfish with her.

She moaned into my mouth, and her finger slowly created an imaginary line down the center of my body, leaving chills in its shadow. What had begun as a slow burn between us was now hot enough to engulf an entire forest. I allowed my kisses to apologize for the sorrow she clung to and let hers help heal it within me. We’d had sex plenty of times, but that wasn’t what was happening this time. It appeared we’d both been buried for years and only broke the ground and saw the light of day when we found one another.

She held her arms over her head as I removed her shirt and we gazed into one another’s souls. I had no clue what she saw within me, but I wasn’t about to question it now.

Our bodies were bolder than our minds. They spoke the words our lips refused to form and made promises I wasn’t sure either of us could keep. I knew the statement that was on the tip of my tongue, begging for me to make some big declaration, but I didn’t. We both felt it, but neither of us was ready to hear it.

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