Page 19 of Chaos

16

Eris

“Fuck!”he said as he ran his hand and mud through his hair. I thought about telling him before he did it, but he deserved it. I tried to catch his ass and then he cussed me, so I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt right then. As soon as he realized what he’d done, he blew out a frustrated grunt and shook his head. I couldn’t help but laugh at him, not that I tried to stop myself. I knew better than to think this was a good idea, but I just wanted to forget. I didn’t want to be me anymore. I needed to be someone else. Although I didn’t know who that was.

“I wasn’t…shit. Eris.” The tone of his voice broke as he heavily exhaled in visible annoyance.

Without a clear direction, I turned away from him, my foot slipping, and almost landed in the mud right beside him. When I realized it was him calling me “woman” from across the lake, I had intended to remind him what respect was, but I wasn’t sure that was something in his vocabulary. I came here to relax, and he wasn’t helping that situation at all. In fact, if possible, I was even more disgruntled than when I arrived.

The fact I still wanted him was wrong, but it didn’t stop what I felt. Everything about him—his beard, his tattoos, his attitude—was something the old me would never want. That made me need him more. He stood for everything that my past wasn’t. It was as if I hated the very air he breathed, but lived for his entire existence.

“Eris?” His voiced wrapped around my name. Each letter danced on his tongue, and it tortured me. I knew in that moment I never had a chance of leaving him.

Despite the distance I tried to put between us, he must have taken two steps when I took one. His voice sounded like he stood right behind me, which pissed me off. No clue why. This was just how Drex and I were. We pissed each other off, and at times I was sure we couldn’t stand the other, but we were drawn to one another.

“What, Drex?” The words fell from my lips as his cold, muddy fingers slowly ran the length of my arm, leaving behind a brown streak. My eyes traveled down my arm and stopped on his fingers around it. I waited for him to answer, but, of course, he didn’t reply. I turned to face him.

“What is it, Drex?” I whispered, startled and turned on by how close we stood. A light drizzle trickled down from the sky and slid down our skin.

I saw it in his eyes, the same torment swelling within my heart. He stood motionless, apart from his uneven breaths. It was clear we both felt the desire radiating between us. It pulled us together with such a force neither of us could deny it.

I wanted to leave because he didn’t say the right things, in between the small spaces left, when he wasn’t cussing. I needed to leave because he was an asshole. It was blatantly obvious he was a drunk, but I wasn’t judging him any more than he did me. Neither of us was perfect, but it was our imperfections that bound us together.

On any other given day, I would have walked away, leaving his soul to bleed out, without any hope of mercy. Today was Tuesday, and not just another Tuesday. It was today my soul left the earth years ago and I’d fought so hard to barely survive on this day every year following, I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I didn’t have the strength to fight today. When you’d struggled for so long, eventually you gave up. Today, I didn’t want to be strong. For once, I wanted to give in.

I was certain there were times we barely liked each other, and it was clear we were closer to hate than we were anywhere near love. It didn’t stop my heart from needing an escape as much as his soul needed a purpose. Until Drex, I didn’t know it was possible to need someone you almost hated and to move without ever taking a step. We stood perfectly still, but the vibrations between us were unmistakable.

We needed each other to fill the empty parts of us that were missing from the past. To let our ghosts rest, even if it was only for a small amount of time. A temporary blip on the radar of a shitty life was worth it to me.

I didn’t know who his demons were or what life took from him, until he became what he was today: an asshole. An angry, mud covered, cussing asshole. None of that gave me enough reason to stop. I didn’t need to know. Perhaps it made it easier to be near Drex, because we didn’t know each other’s heartaches. We just were. I knew what the world took from me.

Most days, I wasn’t sure if I’d choose to be alive or dead anymore, if truly presented the choice. Drex wasn't giving me a choice. He made me choose life. He was forcing me to live and feel every ounce of the pain I so wanted to forget.

Tears found my eyes and they had very little to do with Drex, but he was here and I didn’t want to cry in front of him, but I couldn’t stop. I was thankful for the rain. It hid my weakness, but I still hated water.

"You're an asshole." My eyes flicked open as I told him again, pushing him backward against the tree, his fingers finding mine as they landed over his heart.

"And you're a shit," his lips quickly mumbled, finding my mouth as he whispered the tiniest sliver of life back into my body. Not that I would ever admit it to him, though.

I knew I should have walked away, but knowing and doing were two different things entirely. I was free-falling through life, but everything around me seemed to stand still. It was static. My life was static. Drex came into it and pulled the ripcord before I collided into the earth. I wasn’t sure if I was thankful or if I still wanted to crash.

His hands glided down my body and he pulled me on top of him. The moment our bodies met, it was as if the world protested. Thunder cracked and echoed across the lake, while rain picked up and surrounded us. I didn’t know if it was the whiskey whispering temptation in our ears or the hunger we both shared for self-destruction that drove us, but I knew neither of us would stop. His touch was intoxicating.

When his fingertips wandered up my sides and under the lace of my bra, I winced as his fingers found my tattoo. My hand landed on his and I tried to hide the pain from him, distracting his fingers to the clasp of my bra. It didn’t work. He raised an eyebrow and brought us up from against the tree. His hand abandoned mine and went back to the small ark tattoo on my left side.

I had hidden my insecurities from the world, and Drex, someone I had known for less than a month, was unknowingly begging to see them. A tattoo was more than just ink driven into skin; it was a story written in blood, an everlasting memory. It was my hidden broken heart. My devastation. Each outline screamed what I’d lost and the love I once had. It gave a glimpse into my soul, something I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let him see. I didn’t let anyone get close.

“Eris?” His voice climbed into my veins and soothed my fears.

I nodded my head, giving him silent permission. I wasn’t capable of words. He removed my bra and traced every thin line, beginning with the blue elephant. He placed his lips where his fingertips had just been and lightly kissed my side. With one kiss, he pulled me from the grave I’d lain in for years.

His eyes slowly rose from my side and locked with mine. A peaceful, crooked smile crossed his mouth. He didn’t ask about the reasoning behind it, like the tattoo artist who didn’t get an answer. He didn’t demand an explanation as my mom had, even though we both knew why I got it.

He just let me be who I was, and I accepted him for him. This was one of my favorite things about Drex. I didn’t have to explain my every move. In fact, more was said when no words were spoken than when we actually spoke. That was the thing about being alone; you spent most of your time in silence. When you found someone whose heart also knew loneliness, words weren’t needed. You were content just to have someone who understood your soul.

I was wired wrong, and combined with Drex, we’d create disaster. Eventually, the fire between us would burn us, but tonight, I didn’t care. We removed each soaked piece of clothing in between desperate, breathless kisses. The quicker the raindrops fell, the harder our thrusts became, and the closer we drew to one another. With each piece of ourselves we gave to one another, the more lost we became.

His warm breath against my neck made me forget how cold the rain was. My nails dug into his back, and I prayed to leave tomorrow behind and forget yesterday. I wanted to live in this moment forever. There were no hurtful words spoken or spiteful actions between us.

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